Monkey's private life
Monkey met Dean Windass in Peru. Windass became an increasingly bad influence
on Monkey who was already too fond of pop.
Dean Windass dropped in to celebrate Hull's promotion success with Monkey.
No comment !
On this occasion I arrived just in time to prevent further misadventure.
My season ticket arrived in the post and was promptly flogged on eBay to fund more clubbing.
Monkey is very poorly
3 a.m. I am woken by a furry paw jabbing my cheek. I wake up with a start to find the very ugly
face of Dean Windass staring right at me. Monkey is slung over his shoulder, I hear a faint groan.
Dean : It's Monkey. I think he's had a bit too much pop.
He drops Monkey down with a splash on the duvet.
Monkey is unusually quiet and motionless.
I rush into the bathroom and squeeze as much 'pop' out of him as I can.
He briefly regains consciousness and murmurs : "Nobody loves me anymore, I'm a has-been".
There is only one solution. Monkey needs an emergency stuffing transplant.
I set to work, surgery goes on all night.
I cast Dean Windass out - " Go, go you evil beast and never darken our door again"
Early morning. It is not looking good.
Monkey is in a hospital for very poorly things. As you can see, the next bed is occupied by the proverbial sick parrot.
Monkey is still limp and damp. He may not survive.
Good Riddance some of you may say but think -
do we want to go back to having Dickie Bird as our No.1 Celebrity Fan ?
Day 2 : Sadly, Monkey is no better. Julian has been at his bedside all day.
The proverbial parrot has staged a miraculous recovery and is willing Monkey to pull through.
Julian offers a suggestion, "Why don't we cut his hand off and put it in a fish tank then he
can regenerate using a stream of ionic neutron energy made of plasma"
"Julian," I reply. " You have been watching Doctor Who. This is the real world ! "
Day 3 : Still no signs of an improvement in Monkey's condition.
He had a very special visitor today. Julian and Toby borrowed my phone to play all my recordings of the Oakwell crowd singing. They are hoping to reach Monkey's inner soul, I point out that he probably hasn't got one but they are determined to rouse him.
All afternoon I am subjected to "e i e i e i o up the football we go". At the 600th time even I have had enough and ask Toby to leave.
Julian finds a nurse for Monkey
Julian has left his bedside vigil and found a nice lady nurse for Monkey.
She is an expert at rousing coma victims.
Nurse : What he needs is an injection in his bum with this enormous needle !
Julian recoils in horror at the sight.
Then just as the nurse lifts the duvet Monkey makes an amazing recovery.
Monkey : Bloody hell ! Thas not gunna stick that in mi !
Monkey : I have actually got quite a bad headache.
Nurse : That is your own silly fault, Monkey, for drinking too much pop.
Monkey gets a present
Nurse : I have brought you a ferreo rocher Monkey for your tea.
Monkey : Is it all for me ?
Nurse : Well....
Monkey : Ooo thanks I like them a lot.
Nurse : How have you ended up like this Monkey ?
Monkey : I used to be famous. I was a celebrity. Then I fell in with a bad lot and took to pop. Nobody thought I was funny any more.
Nurse : I know all that Monkey. I have seen it on the internet. I have been a fan of yours for years. You are just full of self-pity that's your problem.
Monkey : I think I've seen you on the internet too, on hot-monkey-babes.com.
Nurse : That wasn't me Monkey ! You are still a bit confused after your operation.
Monkey : Yes, I do feel a bit woolly
Nurse : Now come on, eat your tea.
Monkey : Would you like a bit ?
Monkey's Delia Fantasy
Nurse : Did you dream about anything while you were in your coma Monkey ?
Monkey : Yes, I did. I had a really weird dream.
Monkey : This is what happened ......
We can see Monkey is dreaming as the picture has gone all wobbly.
Monkey : I was flying in outer space in a lovely red rocket when all of a sudden I landed with a bump. "Hello," I said. I can smell sprouts. Where am I ?
Kitchen lady : You have landed in Norwich Monkey. Welcome to my kitchen, my name is Delia. I am a celebrity fan like you. I have seen you on the internet. Would you like to see my ground.
Monkey : Oooo, yes please, I would.
Delia : Here we are Monkey. This is my fence by my burger van.
Delia : Come on Monkey. Let's go in and have some of my cake.
Monkey : This is very nice Delia. Why does it say "Keep off the grass" ?
Delia : It is my grass Monkey. Are you a director at Barnsley ?
Monkey : I am going to be the new chairman.
Monkey : This is a lovely burger Delia, it is made of sprouts isn't it ?
Delia : Gosh ! What a lovely kitchen your rocket has got Monkey.
Delia : Let's meet up again when our teams play shall we ?
Monkey : Yes, I'd like that. Bye then !!
Monkey : And then I woke up ! That is the biggest load of nonsense I've ever dreamt.
Monkey is falling in love
Nurse : I have brought you an after eight mint sandwich Monkey.
Monkey : Oooo. Thank you . I like those. You are a lovely nurse. What is your name ?
Nurse : My name is Maureen.
Monkey : That's a lovely name.
Maureen : Are you feeling better today ?
Monkey : My legs are very weak still. I think they need a massage.
Maureen : Is that better ?
Monkey : Not really. Could you do it a bit more please ?
What did Monkey get for tea next ?
Monkey : That looks tasty what is it ?
Maureen : It is peapod in strawberry sauce.
Monkey : Oooo lovely, you are a great cook Maureen. What's been going on in the world ?
Maureen : Well, it said on the club website that Luke Steel has got a sore neck.
Monkey : Oh dear
Maureen : Yes. And did you see Julian on Look North ? He was running around in a field in Silkstone pretending to be a sheepdog. Krista was laughing at him
Monkey : That's sad
Maureen : I think he's feeling a bit left out.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7508614.stm
A new arrival appears in the next bed. There is quite a commotion.
Heinz : Your neck is bad. I vill make it better ! Lie still !!
Luke : No, no !!! I am fine, just an aspirin will do !
Maureen takes drastic action
Maureen has arrived earlier than usual to care for Monkey. She has caught him by surprise.
Maureen : What on earth is that sticking up under the duvet Monkey ?
Monkey looks embarrassed
Maureen : Monkey !! After all that's happened ! How could you ?
Maureen : Right !! That's enough ! We're all fed up with you lounging about all day being 'poorly'.
It's time you got up and got back to work properly. And you can stop messing about on those silly message boards. Nobody's interested in you and what you have for tea ! They've got FAR more important things to discuss.
Maureen : Get your clothes back on !
Monkey pays Maureen a visit
Monkey has been missing his nurse Maureen. He decides to pay her a surprise visit at the hospital. He makes sure he arrives at dinner-time as he has been missing her cooking.
Monkey : These are for you Maureen to say thank you for looking after me.
Maureen : Oooo Monkey, they are lovely.
Monkey : Well the neighbours weren't using them. What is for dinner ?
Maureen : It is cornflakes in onion gravy today.
Monkey : That sounds tasty. Would you like to go out with me ?
Maureen : Yes. Where ?
Monkey : I thought we could go to the Open Day on Sunday at Barnsley Football Club - you know - where I am no. 1 Celebrity Fan.
Maureen : Oh. I don't like football very much. Sunday is my only day off.
Monkey carries on smiling through gritted teeth.
Monkey's Sunday Outing
Maureen : What a lovely picnic Monkey, you have brought M&Ms.
Did you remember the chilli sauce ?
Monkey : No, I ....
Maureen : M&Ms, so thoughtful - Monkey and Maureen's !
Monkey thinks it best not to mention the M&Ms were the first thing he saw at the front of the cupboard.
Maureen : And you've brought me to the picturesque little village of Shafton, oh how romantic. You're sure you don't mind not going to the club's open day ?
Monkey : No, Maureen, I'd rather be with you.... though I was going to charge people £5 a go to have their photo taken with me after all, I am a celebrity !
Monkey : That's a lovely dress you're wearing Maureen.
Maureen : I thought you'd like the colour.
Monkey makes a move
The sun beats down on Shafton and the lovers' lips meet....
Snogging over
Maureen : I think it's time we caught the bus home Monkey.
Monkey : Right, 5 photos, I make that 25 quid you owe me !
At this point Maureen gives Monkey a hefty slap.
Monkey : What have I said ?!
Monkey and Maureen get lost
Maureen has come round to see Monkey. She has apologised for slapping him and he has accepted graciously but cannot recall why she slapped him in the first place.
They decide to go out for a drive.
Maureen : Where do you reckon we are then Monkey ?
Monkey : I think I took a wrong turn and we've ended up driving right to the edge of Deedartown. That green stuff over there could be Derbyshire.
Maureen : It's very pretty wherever it is.
Monkey : So are you my sweetheart.
Maureen : Oh Monkey ........
Monkey : Oh Maureen ............
Monkey thinks : Blimey, they're bigger than I thought !
But the two lovers are not the only ones rolling in the grass.
Maureen : What was that noise over there ?
Monkey : Damn ! It's that little sod Tykesmad ! He gets everywhere these days !!
Monkey : Come on love, let's go somewhere a bit more private.
Monkey digs a deeper hole for himself
Maureen has found out that Monkey has offered to give their baby ( or babies ) away on BBS.
To calm her down he suggests that maybe if there is a spare they should sell it on eBay and thus make a profit.
At this point I ran from the room fearing the wrath of Maureen about to descend on all around.
Monkey Pops a Question
Monkey has broken into Patrick's house and invited Maureen round for a candlelit dinner. He has something VERY important to ask....
Monkey : Caramelised biscuit for you, from a posh place called Silkstone.
Maureen : Oooo I like those. Have you really been to Silkstone ?
Monkey : Yes. There is something I have been meaning to ask you Maureen ?
Maureen : What Monkey ?
Monkey : Who should we play up front against Birmingham on Saturday ? Macken & Mostto or Macken & Odejaye or should we give Jamil Adam a run out ?
Maureen : I haven't a clue Monkey !
Monkey thinks, hmmm, she's not the only one who's clueless.
Monkey : Well actually well what I really wanted to ask was .............
.............Who do you think would be best on the left side of midfield ?
Maureen : Monkey, what is the matter, you are shaking all over. You are very worried about Birmingham aren't you ?
Monkey pulls himself together, gets down on his knees, takes a deep breath and ........
Monkey : Maureen, I luv yer ! Will you marry me ?
What will Maureen's answer be ?
Maureen : Of course I'll marry you Monkey ! I've already booked the vicar for 3 pm next Saturday.
You hadn't got any other plans had you ?
Monkey ( thinking about Derby at home ) : But ......... but .......... but...
Monkey asks for Maureen's hand
Maureen insists that Monkey asks her father, Mario, for her hand in
marriage in the proper fashion.
"Bloody Hell ! " thinks Monkey, " he's a big bloke ! "
Mario : So you're the one that's got our Maureen up the duff ?
Monkey ( meekly ) : Yes, probably....you see...
Maureen : Daddy, Monkey has something to ask you.
Mario : Go on then lad spit it out !!!
Monkey ( quietly ) : Please can I marry your daughter Mario ?
Mario : What are your prospects lad ? What line of work are you in ?
Monkey : I am a celebrity football fan for Barnsley F.C.
Mario : Aaaah football. I know all about football ! Big Wednesday fan me. Yes, I know all there is to know. I even went to a match once. 1993 I think it was !
Monkey : Oh, what happened ?
Mario : They won of cause ! Great match, I remember it well. Yes, big Wednesday fan I am.
Monkey : Well we'd best be off.
Maureen : Daddy, will you stop talking about football and tell Monkey he can marry me !
Mario : Of course he can !
Then he whispers in Monkey's ear : Good luck to you lad ! I've seen her left hook.
Monkey and Maureen make plans for the wedding
Maureen : And I think we should each have a golden throne to sit upon and all the guests must have a box with a butterfly in it and........ Monkey ! Are you listening ?
Monkey : Yes. You want golden butterflies on chairs. I think we could manage moths, there are a lot of those about at the moment.
Maureen : And you're not getting married in that scruffy football kit. I want you in a proper suit and tie. Have you rung the photographers yet ?
Monkey : I have done exclusive deals with Hello and OK magazines.
Maureen : Do you understand what exclusive means ?
Monkey : Yes, lots of money !
Maureen : And I hope you're not inviting all those silly friends of yours off the internet.
Monkey : Right ! That's it. My turn now. For a start we are moving the wedding from 3pm on Saturday to Sunday morning so that I can come too. ALL my friends are invited and Dean Windass is coming.....
Maureen : Not him !
Monkey : Yes, now he's on premiership money we'll get a good prezzie and if it wasn't for him we would never have met and another thing. Why didn't you tell me your dad was a Wednesday fan ?
Maureen : Well they are all the same aren't they ? Football teams ? Wednesday, United, Barnsley, I can't tell the difference myself.
Monkey sighs and goes back to his reading. Women !
Monkey's Stag Night : Maureen's Hen Night
Monkey's stag night ended in predictable fashion.
Monkey : Julian ! Fetch some scissors !!!
Meanwhile, Maureen and the WAGS had a much more entertaining evening. They were just about to set off when ...
Mrs Hristov : Look, two more ladies are joining us.
Maureen : They aren't both ladies ! That is Senor and Senora Leon.
Hola ! Come and join us Senora.
The partying starts but jealousies soon flare up.
Mrs Hristov : My Georgi would not approve. Have you seen what she's wearing ? She should go to M&S and buy some with a gussett !
Maureen : Loosen up luv, I think she's cute !
Just then the stripper arrives..............
Maureen : I'm sure I have seen him somewhere before ?
The stripper is avoiding making eye contact.
He mutters under his breath " bl**dy kozzie and his ridiculous dares ! I vill get him for zis one"
Delia lets out a scream of laughter, "Ooooo baked beans AND a sausage !"
The WAGs end up rolling about on the floor.
Afterwards Senor Leon has come to collect his Senora.
Leon : Did you enjoy the hen night ?
Senora Leon : No entiendo no hay pollos !
THE Celebrity Wedding of the Century
The day of Monkey's wedding has arrived. Best man Julian has been searching all over for Monkey. He is worried that Monkey has not recovered properly after celebrating the victory over Derby.
Julian : There you are Monkey ! Where are you going.
Monkey : I need some fresh air, I thought I'd go for a little bicycle ride.
He thinks : Ten miles should be far enough, they'll never find me then !
Julian : Get up the stairs, everyone's waiting.
And Julian is right. This is the hot ticket for today, everyone who is anyone has turned up for the celebrity wedding of the season.
The bride arrives on the arm of her father Mario. The guests gasp at the sight of the beautiful wedding dress.
Delia Smith mutters under her breath : Huh, she's not making any effort to hide the bump is she. The trollop !
The very reverend Charlie steps forward.
Charlie : Dearly beloved....we are gathered here today to witness the joining together in holy matrimony of Maureen and Monkey.
Do you, Barnsley Football Club's No.1 Celebrity Fan Monkey take Maureen to be your lawful wedded wife ?
Monkey : I do but...
Charlie : To have and to hold .... for richer for poorer.... in relegation and promotion.....in attack and defence....
Monkey : Spose so
Charlie : Do you Maureen take Monkey to be your awful wedded husband from this day until such time as you receive a better offer ?
Maureen : I do.
Charlie : You may now kiss the bride.
Julian sheds a big tear.
Boring bits over, everyone sits down at the reception to a buffet of M&Ms and monkey nuts.
Kozzy jokes crudely : There'll be plenty of Monkey nuts for Maureen later !
Lucky Heather ( Doncaster Rovers' mum ) : I said didn't I... I told you all there would be a large gathering but did anyone listen ? Pegs anyone ?
Sean Bean : I hope dee knows what dars doing Monkey , dar knows what women do to dee.
Delia Smith : Call that a cake ! Huh !!
Heinzi considers damaging Doncaster Rovers while he has the opportunity.
Then at the first whiff of champagne Dean Windass leaps forward.
Monkey : Gerroff, she's mine !
Then, risking a severe mauling Julian launches himself at the ugly tiger. Julian's love for Monkey knows no bounds.
Party and fight over the happy couple say their goodbyes and thank yous.
Monkey : Julian, we can't move ! Can you sort it out please.
Julian mutters under his breath : Bloody Kozluk, thinks he's so funny !
I breathe a sigh of relief as Monkey's car trundles off down the road, three days without Monkey, peace and quiet.
But then....................
Who is coming shuffling up the path ? It is Ugly back from his 'World Tour'. He has had to WALK ALL THE WAY FROM SCARBOROUGH as Tykesmad wasn't old enough to reach the hole in the postbox.
Monkey returns from his honeymoon
Three days of peace come to an abrupt end when the door opens........
Monkey : Hi ! I'm back from our honeynoon.
Me : They let you out of prison then ?
Monkey : Yes. I have been bound over to keep the peas.
Me : Apart from driving over a policeman's foot what else happened ?
Monkey : Well, on the way back from Scotland I went into a pub and there were a lot of men wearing black and white stripey football shirts and talking funny. I thought I start one of those rumour things.......so I shouted out, "Your manager wants to leave, he is upset !" Then I ran out.
Me : Hmmmmmmmm
Monkey : What is that Ugly thing doing back here ?
Just then who should come rushing in ..........
Maureen : Hiya Ugs ! Nice to see you again sweetie.
Monkey : Oy you, put your tongue away !
Maureen : Don't be silly Monkey, Ugly and I are just old friends. Did you enjoy our honeymoon ? I went to the Lake District , what about you ?
Monkey : Shall we open our wedding presents ? A nice man gave us them outside a pub.
Maureen : Ooo that's nice, we'll be able to go on MNS.
But when they open the box .........
Maureen : That's lovely. What is it ?
Monkey : It is a life size statue of Stephen Foster, Barnsley F.C.'s player of the year.
Maureen : He isn't wearing any shorts.
Monkey : It is art.
Maureen : And a picture for our house too. Where is our house Monkey ? Where are we going to live ?
Monkey : Oh I thought you had a house ? Someone sent us an avatar too.
Maureen : What is one of those ?
Monkey : It is something you have on the interweb dear.
Monkey gets Maureen scanned
Julian has suggested that Maureen needs a scan to find out when her baby is due.
Monkey : I think this one's a scanner. In you get luv.
Julian : Be careful not to press 'copy' or 'email' won't you !
Monkey ( muttering under his breath ): One Maureen is enough...
Monkey : Say cheese !
A grainy image comes out of the printer, Monkey studies in intently. For a moment he is silent as for the first time he realises he is to become a father. Then ....
Monkey : Oh b*gger ! It's due on the 16 th of September at 8.35pm. It's not as if I can pop home at half time, I've got to do my match report.
Julian : Crikey Monkey ! Your baby already looks older than Martin Bullock !
Maureen : Guys ! GUYS !!! Is anyone going to get me out of here ?
The scan of Monkey's baby
Monkey's afternoon goes wrong
Maureen has taken to her bed now that her bump has grown to such an enormous size due to the imminent arrival of the baby.
3 p.m. She has started to have strange cravings.
Monkey fetches her some rubber bands to chew on.
Monkey : I'm going to go and watch the match on the telly.
Maureen : I didn't think it was on the telly dear ?
Monkey : Ceefax, it's like an old fashioned internet that comes thru the telly in this house.
Monkey ( SHOUTING so that I overhear ) : IT IS BECAUSE SOMEONE IS TOO MEAN TO PAY FOR BARNSLEY WORLD !!!
Maureen : You could stay and keep me company.
Monkey : I'll be back at full time...
4.55 p.m.
Monkey : Lost 1-0
Maureen : Never mind sweetie, we've got each other AND there's the big event to look forward to on Tuesday night.
Monkey ( glumly ) : Yes, Cardiff at home
Monkey and Maureen's baby is due.....
.....but not for a few hours yet ! I will have those scissors please Monkey !
Monkey : But all celebrity babies are delivered by scissorarean section I thought.
Me : You are just trying to hurry things up so you don't have to miss the match tonight.
Monkey : Can't we take Maureen with us ?
Maureen : I am not giving birth on the terraces !
Monkey gets his priorities right ?
Monkey has been pestering me all day to ring the club and put his baby's name down to be a mascot.
Me : OK, I'll do it. But there's one thing I need to know.
Monkey : What match I want him to be mascot for ?
Me : NO ! I need to know what your baby is called !
Monkey : Ooooo.... erm.... hang on, I'll just go and find out.........
Exclusive Celebrity Baby photos
Celebrity Monkey, Maureen and baby.
Maureen : Before you ask.... .no we are not calling him Heinz Bobby Robert Darren Hugo Stephen Iain Miguel Kayode Brian Mounhir Robert Diego Anderson....
Monkey : Why not ? That is a perfectly good name.
Maureen : Because there are at least three Roberts in there and I am not sewing on great big long name tapes when he starts school.
Monkey : How about Tyke2008 ?
Maureen : That makes him sound like he exists only on messageboards. Daddy suggested 'Waddle'.
Monkey : No ! How about Glavin ?
Maureen : I do not want anything football related.
Monkey ( glancing at my family history notebook ) : How about Tiverton then ?
Maureen : Yes that's a nice name. I went there in a caravan once.
Monkey : But I have noticed that a lot of people in Barnsley have the first name 'R.' so we'll have to call him R. Tiverton
Monkey grins, he has got away with a football related name - my great grandma's brother played for Barnsley St.Peters in 1895 and their father was born in Tiverton in 1840. I will explain about Rev Tiverton Preedy to him later, he will be pleased.
Maureen : Look at this lovely quilt. My 95 year old blind arthritic grandma has knitted it for R.Tiverton. What a lovely little picture of a bird
Monkey is about to kiss his little son goodnight when horror of horrors .....
... he has seen that tongue before !
