Grandpa buys Tiverton a present....
Poor Monkey. His father-in-law has been to the club shop at Hillsborough. Being a BIG Wednesday fan like he is it is the first time he has been near the place since 1993.
Maureen : Yes R.Tivvy luv, it is a lovely Owlie. And no daddy didn't really mean it when he said it was going in the bin first thing in the morning.
Monkey lies awake all night wondering how he can find out if he is the baby's father. Being made of wool means that a DNA test will be of little use.
Monkey and Julian babysit
Maureen : I'm off out for a night with the wags. Look after R.Tiverton properly, don't drop him or anything silly will you Monkey ?
Frau Muller : Mein husband is never droppink zings. He has a safe pair of hands does mein Heinzi.
Julian : I think he likes my present don't you, Monkey ?
Monkey : Thanks, I'm sure a miniature llama will be very useful. Julian, you are a man of the world, can you show me how to change a nappy please.
One hour later .......
Monkey : I didn't quite catch all about how to fold it and where to put the pin and everything....... could you show me again please Julian.
Julian : You are going to have to get a proper job to support your family Monkey
Monkey : Yes, I need to.
Julian : How do think we'll go on against Norwich
Monkey : It's going to be a toughie. She won't let me take R.Tivvy either - says he's too young.
At this point I go off the fetch the video camera, here is a wonderful opportunity to earn £250 by sending this episode of hilarious parental neglect to You've Been Framed.
Monkey overhears a dastardly plan...
Monkey has finally started to bond with Tiverton now he knows he is the baby's father. They have been out for a walk but when they return.........
Maureen : Of course you can take R.Tiverton to Hillsborough daddy. He is old enough to go now.
Mario : I have got this handy map to help me find the way, after all I haven't been since 1986. I've got a little wooden box for him to stand on.
Maureen : Don't they have seats at Hillsborough then ?
On hearing this Monkey retreats to the airing cupboard with Tiverton. He will sweat it out in there all night if he has to.
R. Tiverton's first word
Monkey is teaching R.Tiverton to speak using the A to Z of Barnsley legends. He has not had much luck till they reach page 24.......
R.Tiverton : G........G....G
G
G
G GG
Gu gu gu
Monkey : Come on R.Tivvy, you can do it !
R.Tiverton : G
G
Gu
Gul
Gullll a vin
Glavin
Glavin Glavin Glavin
Monkey : That's my boy !
Tiverton has gone missing......
Monkey has been left looking after R.Tiverton. He is concentrating more on putting the finishing touches to a 20 page letter of advice to Patrick Cryne when he hears Maureen shriek..........
Maureen : My baby, my baby, he has been taken......
Monkey : Calm down dear, I will go and find him.
Monkey runs downstairs. He has remembered hearing the creak of wooden wheels and as he nears the back door the smell of bonfire reaches his nostrils. That can only mean one thing..........
.........the pikey caravan has returned......
Pikey no.1 : No we are not here to take part in a stereotyped joke about gypsies stealing children.
We found Your Tiverton crawling down the road, he was crying for his Owlie. You should look after him better !
We thought he'd like a little ride on our horses before we brought him back to you.
Monkey thinks a moment ( he still hasn't got over the peg business last time ) : Thank you, but what is that awful smell of burning meat ?
Pikey No.2 : Oh, that was Sheffield United's Hugo Hedgehog........ Mmmmm, very tasty
Monkey baths R.Tiverton
Monkey : You have been a good boy today so I got you this lolly.
R.Tiverton : But slebitty daddy it isn't a chupachups lolly. Gampa always gets me chupachups lollies. Gampa says chupachups are the best lollies.
Monkey knows only one way to deal with fussy eaters.
He is oblivious to R.Tiverton wailing in the background.
R.Tiverton asks awkward questions...
Monkey has taken R.Tiverton to the playground for some fresh air so he can take his mind off the diabolical performance at Crystal Palace.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy is it wrong to tell lies ?
Monkey : Yes, R. Tivvy lad. You should always tell the truth.
10 minutes later ....................
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, are Wensy better than Barnsy ?
Despite never having seen Sheffield Wednesday in the flesh, Monkey has absorbed a complete and utter hatred of anything to do with them.
I am not quite sure who he has picked this up from.
Monkey pauses to think.......
R.Tiverton ( shouting ! ) : SLEBITTY DADDY, ARE WENSY BETTER THAN BARNSY ?
Monkey : Well it depends what you mean by better R. Tivvy.
R.Tiverton : I mean in the sense of more points, better players and a bigger ground Slebitty Daddy.
Monkey : Shall we go on the swings again ?
R.Tiverton : Slebbitty Daddy, did you push Owlie off ?
R.Tiverton : You not a very good monkey at climbing Slebitty Daddy !
Monkey is worried that he might not be the only one who has plans to take R. Tivvy to the match.
Monkey : Is your Grandpa, the BIG Wednesday fan going to the match R. Tivvy ?
R.Tiverton : NO, Slebitty Daddy, don't be silly, you know he never misses Holby City !
Monkey : Good, I have got a special present for you on Tuesday. Now what do we say ?
R.Tiverton : Come on you REDDDDS !
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, Owlie didn't mean to push you off. Are you OK ?
Monkey is honoured
Not wanting to be outdone by other so called 'celebrity' fans Monkey has today received a special honorary degree from the Nigerian University of Timbuctoo.
Maureen is so proud of her husband. The only other qualification he has is my cycling proficiency badge which he stole from my desk.
Professor Doggyjayi has flown all the way from Nigeria for the presentation ceremony.
Professor Doggyjayi : I would like to present you with this degree in recognition of your outstanding contribution to the entertainment world wide web. We at the University of Timbuctoo are great fans of yours and never miss an episode.
Monkey : Thank you very much Prof.
Professor Doggyjayi : I would also like to thank you for your $1,000,000 donation.....
At this point Monkey runs off, I drop the camera and Maureen shrieks.
Me : Monkey !!!!! Why is my debit card on the floor by your laptop ????
Monkey !! Come back here !!
R.Tiverton gets a special present
We have had a good day today. Auntie Delia popped in to make us beans on toast for dinner on the way back from delivering Jamie Cureton. There was a bit of confusion when Maureen thought Delia'd come to fit some curtains but it was all cleared up in the end.
So I decide now is the right time to give R.Tverton a special present I have made him for Saturday.
R.Tivvy : Ooo what is it ?
R.Tivvy : OOOOO It's an away kit !! OOOOOO thank you ever so much that is my second best present ever what after Toby Tyke gave me.
Monkey puts on a faint smile. He has always wanted an away kit for himself.
R.Tivvy : Look Slebitty Daddy, I got an away kit to go to Forest in !!! I AM SO COOOOOOL
R.Tivvy : And I got sponsors too.
Monkey : Please can I come to Forest too ?
Me : When you have repaid the $1,000,000 you spent on that honorary degree.
Monkey : Well professor Doggyjayi said the price included a large consignment of those blue sweets people sell on the internet. Once they arrive, I'll be raking the dosh in.
