Before the new series of "Monkey Meets...." begins, Monkey auditions for a new house band.
Notice the 1.5 million pound studio revamp. Following the success of Series 1 Monkey has invested in some tinsel.
First up for the job it's local trio "Three Blokes and a Piano".
Monkey : Hello guys, could you introduce yourselves please.
Patrick : I'm Patrick, this is Don and little Simon's on the piano for us.
Monkey : What are you going to perform for me ?
Patrick : Before we start can I tell you about the club's new marketing strategy ?
Monkey : OK I'm sure we're all interested to hear how you will encourage more fans into Oakwell next season.
Patrick : Phase One involves targetting the elderly members of the community. Sadly there's quite a high death rate among season ticket holders in the West Stand Upper Tier where the average age is 146. The plan is to introduce usherettes selling Werthers Originals and signed photos of the Robledos. My band is also going to be performing a song and dance routine every half-time. What do you reckon Monkey ?
Monkey : Let's hear the song then. What is it all about guys ?
Don : It's an autobiographical ditty I've written Monkey :-
My name is little Don,
I often get things wrong
The fans get cross with me,
But why I cannot see !
La la la la la
I thought they liked to queue
Ten hours in the cold,
For tickets they could buy,
If they've not all been sold !
La la la la la
Patrick solo :
You couldn't organise
A p*ss up in a pub,
Which is why you should
Go find another club
La la la la la
Monkey : I'll let you know. NEXT !!
Simon : I blame the weather
Monkey's first guest was unable to make it into the studio so Monkey went out on location.
Monkey Meets ...... Daniel Nardiello
occasional Barnsley F.C. 'striker'
Monkey : Hello Mr. Nardiello. Sorry to disturb you but your agent said you'd be able to talk to me.
Nardiello : Urrrrgh ! What time is it? Go away I'm asleep.
Monkey : It's half past three in the afternoon. Aren't you going to get up today ?
Nardiello : No I'm too weak and what's the point ?
Monkey : You have such an obvious talent Mr. Nardiello but you seem unable to make full use of it.
Nardiello : Can't be bothered.
Monkey : Tell me Daniel, how much do you understand about the offside rule ?
Nardiello : Everything. When the ball goes off side you get a throw in.
Monkey : How did you end up going to QPR last summer ? What was the real story ?
Nardiello : I was on the bus to Meadowhall and I nodded off. Next thing I knew I was in London and it would have taken too much effort to come back up the M1.
Monkey : Do you think you have a future at Barnsley football club ?
Nardiello : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Two days after this interview, Nardiello left Barnsley F.C.
The result of Monkey Power !
A very special guest in this episode,
Not so much an Oakwell legend, more of an Oakwell anti-legend
Live by video-link beamback from Tranmere ..... it's...
"Monkey Meets.... "
He who must not be named, the Dark Lord, Ronnie Moore
Monkey : Mr. Dark Lord, you've recently been voted Rotherham United's greatest ever player. That is a truly amazing accomplishment, I have never met anyone who has achieved such an honour.
Dark Lord : I ...am ...not... laughing ...Monkey
Monkey : Rotherham pipped Barnsley to being the champions of Division 3 in 1981
Dark Lord : We....did..... I.....was....so....good. The.... Barnsley .... fans.... really....loved .... my.... goal.....celebrations. They.... began ...to .... worship... me .....by ..... shouting ..... BOOOO .....
Monkey : Maybe but Barnsley moved on into the 21st century and Rotherham somehow remain stuck back in the 19th.
Dark Lord : I..... am ..... a ......dark ..... lord ...... I ...am ...... not... a ....time .....lord
Monkey : Since you left the Millmoor Death Star things haven't gone very well for Rotherham have they ?
Dark Lord : The ....force.... is.... no ....longer.... with.... them....
They .... thought.....they....could.... succeed.....without....me.
They.... were..... wrong....
Monkey : If the post became available. would you ever consider being manager at Barnsley ?
Dark Lord : Yoda... got.. to...be..... joking ..... as sith .... I .... would !
Monkey : Do you have anything else to tell us ?
Dark Lord : Ronnie... Glavin, I ...am... your ...father.
Monkey : Hilarious, is that true ? And finally, where HAVE all the bees gone ?
Dark Lord : That's ...nothing... to... do... with... me ...Monkey
In this edition Monkey is honoured to have a really special guest.
A guest who is so special Monkey has vacated his chair.
"Monkey Meets......." his holiness Brian Howard
Monkey : Mr.Howard, or should I call you sir or maybe your eminence perhaps ?
Brian : Sir will do Monkey
Monkey : I bow my head before thee oh mighty one, scorer of THE goal at Anfield and ....
Brian : Go a bit lower Monkey if you really want to honour me.
Monkey : Tell me oh magnificent being Sir, what is your favourite song, I hear you're a fan of the Clash.
Brian : Yes Monkey, spot on. It's either "Should I stay or should I go" or "London's Calling". I can never decide which.
Monkey : Is that your own trumpet you're blowing your lordship Sir ? You're very good at that aren't you ?
Brian : What's that cup you've got ? Is it for me ?
Monkey : It's mine for being celebrity fan of the year 2007 - 2008
Brian : Why didn't I win it ?
Monkey : Are you both a celebrity and a fan your royal highness ?
Brian : Either you give me that cup or ..... or ...... well it's not fair. I am BRIAN HOWARD and if I don't get all the cups round here I'm going to sulk.
Monkey : Can I just ask ....
Brian : No you can't, I'm not talking too you anymore...
At this point Brian ascended into the clouds from whence he came and no-one was quite sure what would happen next.
Monkey decided to practise his language skills before the start of Euro 2008
"Monkey Meets......." Arjan de Zeuuw, true Oakwell legend
Monkey : Hi Mr. De Zeuww. Nice to have a genuine Oakwell legend on the show for once.I must say "let op drempels"
Arjan : Ah Monkey tha speaks Dutch, thas reyt clever ! And yes ah will beware of speed bumps.
Monkey : Actually pal, no-one ever was sure how to pronounce your name. Were you Harry-Ann der Zooo, Arr-Jan de zeeewoo or what ?
Arjan : Ah dunt know, ah were theeer that long ah forgot missen.
Monkey : Actually I really ought to call you Doctor De Zeuww as you have a degree in medical science don't you ?
Arjan : Aye, am a reyt clever clogs aren't ah Monkey ?
Monkey : You're stealing mi jokes Arjan ! You were also praised by Tony Blair as being someone who is "really strong and never gives up"
Arjan : Tony Ooo ? niver eard on im.
Monkey : What do you think of Barnsley's current cloggie, I mean Dutch person ?
Arjan : Ee wants to cheer hisen up a bit, ee allus luks a bit grim. Like summats gone badly wrong.
Monkey : That may be because it often has.
Arjan : Naaaar, ee int that bad Monkey.
Monkey : It's a pity you ended up being sent to Coventry.
Arjan : Aye, but arl allus av a soft spot fer Barnsli in mi eart ah will that
Monkey : Dank u vell.
"Monkey Meets ......" Series 3
Who will be brave enough to meet Monkey next ?