Monkey : Hello Mr.Colgan. It's nice to meet you.

Colgan : It's good to be here Monkey. I wooden have missed it for the world.

Monkey : You have missed quite a few things in your time though Nick haven't you ?

Colgan : I can't think what you mean.

Monkey : Nick, you remember that penalty you saved at the Minnellium Stadium ?

Colgan : I do

Monkey : Well it was actually down to a mate of mine keeping her last lucky polo on the end of her tongue for 15 minutes. Quite a feat don't you think ?

Colgan : But it was me who ...

Monkey : Mr.Colgan, you were often critised by Barnsley fans for never moving off your line.

Colgan : Was I ?

Monkey : Yes, but having met you and see that stick up your bum I can fully understand why.

Monkey : Hello Misters Futcher

Ron & Paul : Hello, hello

Monkey : I've asked you on the show today to discuss your part in Barnsley F.C.'s most bizarre away match ever.

Ron & Paul : And that was ?

Monkey : Charlton Athletic 3rd March 1985. A date forever engraved on the minds of the 37 reds fans who were permanently traumatised by the experience.

Ron & Paul : Remind us monkey

Monkey : Ron, you scored the quickest hatrick ever  -  9 minutes I believe

Ron & Paul : Ah, yes it's all coming back to me

Monkey : And then you got sent off

Ron & Paul : That's right

Monkey : Next thing, he who must not be named, the dark lord Ronnie Moore appears and scores about five goals.

Ron & Paul : We believe there's talk of him being your next manager

Monkey : Guys, you're just trying to stir things up aren't you ? What are you doing these days ?

Ron & Paul : We work mainly in catering but we also have a sideline in celebrity lookalikes.

Monkey : That's interesting. Who do you do ?

Ron : I do Paul ....

Paul : and I do Ron.

Monkey had more luck with his next guest

"Monkey Meets ........."

an expensive mistake.

90's Star from afar,

Monkey : Hello Mr.Hristov or should I say zdravo ?

Georgi : Hello vill do very nicely Meester Munkee

Monkey : 1.5 million pounds. That was an awful lot of money for a small club to chuck away wasn't it ?

Georgi : I am not understanding you, why ?

Monkey : That works out at £187,500 per goal.

Georgi : And hav you better players now ? Me, I never miss a seeter at Wembley do I ?

Monkey : Well, actually I'm told you did have a very good chance that went begging. Anyway you never really settled in Barnsley did you Georgi ?

Georgi : I shav my head. I try to feet in, why ?

Monkey : And you insulted all the tarn's women didn't you ?

Georgi : I am not liking what I vos seeing. Zees women are very ugly, why ?

Monkey : What are you doing these days Georgi ?

Georgi : I am electing myself president of breakaway Macedonian Republic of Hristovonia, why ?

Monkey : Is it a banana republic ? I'd quite like to live in one of those

Georgi : Now zis Munkeee, zis is what I am calling is a proper woman !

Monkey : Hi Mr.Tyke, nice to meet you at last.

Toby Tyke : I must be barking mad to come on this show

Monkey : Speaking as one TV advert celebrity to another do you think it reflects well on Barnsley Football Club when you put on make up and flog car insurance ?

Toby Tyke : Ooooaaaah yes !

Monkey : Toby, you seem to have mellowed somewhat over the years. What happened to the rascally little scamp who used to knock bobbies hats off ?

Toby Tyke : They wuffed me up for that

Monkey : And you so infuriated Man City fans by wiping your bum at them. But that was such a long time ago. Don't you think it's about time you were replaced by a new, fresher, woollier mascot ?

Toby Tyke : Grrrrrr !

Monkey : Finally Toby, tell me, what's it like to have a man inside you every Saturday afternoon ?