Championship 2008 - 09.... the season continues
Barnsley 2 Plymouth 0
Monkey : I have employed these bodyguards for the afternoon because there is a price on my head, someone on BBS is going to try to assassinate me.
Me : Haha, how much are they offering ? I'll save them the trouble !
Monkey : It is not funny, they threatened R.Tiverton too.
R.Tiverton : One, two, three, four grenades, should be enough.
Me : Well I'm not sure if we can take armed men or bombs into a football match. There must be a rule against it.
Monkey : And is your crappy Micra bullet proof ?
We arrive in the car park and I distract Monkey by offering a choice of novelty festive hats.
Luckily we are able to leave the bodyguards in the car.
A strange man comes to sit next to us. Monkey decides it is the wouldbe assassin and gives him an evil look.
Monkey : Have you noticed we never get the same person sat next to us twice.
Me : Well, what of it ?
Monkey : That's because you're weird.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, that's not a very nice thing to say !
Monkey : Pies ! Look ! They're sponsored by PIES !! Oooooo I wish we were sponsored by pies. Mmmmmmmm !
The match kicks off and drags on a bit. The crowd talks amongst itself. A man gets sent off. R.Tiverton believes this happens in every home game. Then......
R.Tiverton : Woooooooooo ! Great goal Anderson ! And he looked so hurt didn't he just a little while ago.
HALF TIME
Monkey suddenly remembers the threats against him.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, you shouldn't take any notice of silly people on the internet.
Monkey : If they are going to get me, they will strike now !! I must take cover !
The second half begins and it is going to be a long 45 minutes.
Me : I didn't know you were religious.
Monkey : I am when we need three points this much. And anyway it's Christmas soon and I want presents so I have to be religious. I am praying to the Monkey Gods.
R.Tiverton : Aren't they Hindu ?
Monkey : I shall work through each religion until we are winning.
Monkey : Allah Woooooo Akhbar !!!
Bobby Hassell kicks the ball in to the back row of the Ponty End. Risking a Fatwa, Monkey declares Allah has let him down.
10 minutes to go.....
Me : Right guys. We gotta go now. There's a plane to catch.
R.Tiverton : Well I'm not goin anywhere. Am stoppin here ! You can go without me !
Monkey : But Father Christmas won't know where to find you !
R.Tiverton : I dunt care. I'll bl**dy well stay here till 'Preston match. Am not goin anywhere.
We give in and decide that I will just have to drive a little faster to get us home in time.
Barnsley are awarded a penalty.
R.Tiverton : I can't look. Tell me when it's over Slebitty Daddy. Campbell-Soup, come on Campbell-Soup , you can do it !
Then we get the customary victory twirl.
The final whistle blows.
Monkey : Can we go to Plymouth away ? I like playing Plymouth. It's not far is it ?
R.Tiverton : I got a joke. Why is Plymouth's defence like Father Christmas ?
Monkey : I don't know R.Tivvy. Why ?
R.Tiverton : Because it likes giving things away !
And we all laugh.
R.Tiverton : Let's get off to the airport then and see if the aeroplane's waited for us.
Barnsley 1 Preston 1
Monkey is too busy with his Christmas presents now we have got home to notice my pronounced limp. He has been tearing round the house on his new motorbike since we got back from the airport.
Monkey : Woooooooooooooooooooo !
R.Tiverton : Go, go, GO !!
There is only one way to stop them, crutches have more than one use.
Monkey : There is nothing the matter with your leg. All you did was stand up off the settee when we beat Burnley and now you are milking a little twinge to get as much sympathy as possible.
Me : It hurts.
Monkey : You just wanted to ride round the airport on a buggy.
Me : What if I can't drive ? How will we get to the match then ??
Monkey : OMG, where does it hurt ? I'll give it a little rub.
We set off and drive in first gear all the way to Oakwell.
R.Tiverton donates all his Christmas money to Ian Hume's chosen charity. He gets a sticker from the nice BBS lady who was going to adopt him when Monkey wasn't sure that he really wanted to become a father.
Monkey is wearing his Christmas present from Julian.
It is a hand-knitted scarf made from Julian's own llama wool.
It is a lively match between two good teams and then the better team scores a cracking goal.
Me : Well done Jon !
Monkey : I think you should get a refund from Specsavers !
HALF TIME
I have picked up the half-time treats in too much of a hurry when we left home.
R.Tiverton : I am R.Tiverton, a Barnsley fan and I DO NOT eat chupa chups. They are PIG lollies. Grandpa gave me that for Christmas and I was going to swap it for a drumstick one.
Monkey : You used to eat Chupa Chups when you were a baby.
R.Tiverton : Well I am a BIG boy now and I DO NOT eat chupa chups.
I get on with sorting out my cuppa.
Next time I look R.Tiverton is licking a bright green lolly. We have been to Holland for 5 days.
Me : Where did that come from ?
Monkey : I got it from that nice smelling shop with all the plants in it, the one that you come out of feeling a bit woooozy.
Me : I am sorry R.Tiverton but I don't think you should be licking that.
The second half begins....
R.Tiverton gets very cross and refuses to be in any more "silly photographs" and he doesn't want to sit with us anymore and he wishes that the nice lady from BBS had adopted him.
We see more of Van Homoet so Monkey thinks it is time to practise his Dutch every time the poor man is in earshot.
Monkey : Van Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkccchomit, Van Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkccchomit !!!!
He shouts, spitting all over the man in front.
Monkey : Geen Vietspad Kip, Geen Vietspad Kip !
Me : Van Homoet is not a chicken Monkey and I am sure he is aware that this is not a cycle path. Stop distracting him.
R.Tiverton is sticking his tongue out at Preston's manager.
Then the inevitable happens and Preston equalise.
Monkey : What is the Dutch for 'oh b*gger ! ' ?
Then we are overcome by a rare wave of optimism.
Monkey : I shall wave my scarf when we get the last minute winner.
But alas the final whistle comes. The wave will have to wait for another day. 7 out of 9 is excellent.
We set off back to the car slowly and comically with me on crutches.
Clump clump ouch, clump clump ouch all the way back to the car.
The car won't start. Apparently someone had turned the lights on without me knowing and forgotten to turn them off.
Monkey : I thought it would make the car look a bit more Christmassy.
Well that is what I told the AA man anyway.
Barnsley 0 Southampton 1
Monkey is intrigued by all the matchday rituals we have to go through before we make it to our seat in the West Stand Lower.
It all begins with a mid-morning cuppa from the cup of good fortune.
Monkey : Promotion 1981 it says. Were you there ?
Me : Not physically no. It was just before my time. I remember it though. It fact today is a special day. It is the 27th anniversary of my first match at Oakwell give or take a few days.
Monkey : I'm sure the club will present you with something.
R.Tiverton ( looking at me ) : You don't look that old, gosh, are you really that old ? Were you a baby when you first went like I was ? Slebitty Daddy, is it OK if I take my french horn ? It's so quiet in the West Stand Lower, I want to get them making some noise. I can play "Come on you Reds !"
We are just about to set off.
Monkey : Are we going to do that ritual where you forget something eg hat, ticket and you have to turn round and drive home ?
I ignore him and off we go.
.
.
.
.
..
We have gone two miles when......
Monkey : Erm, I think I might not actually have brought my scarf... you know, the one Julian knitted me from his own llama wool.
Me ( after another mile or so ) : Well strangely I managed to remember to bring it for you. Me being old and forgetful.
Monkey : And this is a lucky car park space isn't it ? Will you do that thing with the potatoes again that I missed on Thursday ?
Guy Gibson : Barnes, why do we never get to take part in these things ? Ever since that wretched monkey appeared we've been stuck in this car.
Barnes Wallace : They haven't done a re-enactment of the dam busters yet. And anyway we are World War two air force heroes Guy, would we really want to demean ourselves by appearing in such nonsense ?
We pass through the market and stop for lucky polos. The lady won't buy flakes because they make a mess.
I insist on leaving the market by the lucky exit.
Monkey : Left or right turnstile ?
Me : You don't have to ask. It is right this season.
Inside we remember to touch the lucky post that is still there form the 80s.
Monkey : Wooooo, I can feel electric magic pouring out of it.
Me : No, someone's just recognised you and made me jump.
Twenty minutes into the match and not a lot has happened apart from wild shots that land in row Z. Barnes Wallace, Barnsley F.C. need you to show them how to control bouncy things. Especially the ones that may head towards our German later.
R.Tiverton plays his little heart out on his french horn. Monkey is not very encouraging and neither is the rest of the West Stand Lower who sit in stoney silence broken only by the groans following each offside decision.
My phone rings. It is Maureen.
R.Tiverton : What does she want Slebitty Daddy ?
Monkey : I can't hear properly, something about having a tub of gravy, I have been deafened by your trumpet.
HALF TIME
R.Tiverton : Go Toby GO !! I want to do that thing with the footballs like all the other boys. Can I Slebitty Daddy, pleeeeeeeeease ?
A text arrives. Monkey goes all quiet for a while, then ......
Monkey : Why didn't she just tell me properly ?
R.Tiverton : She says you are always on message boards and texting you is the only way to get through to you sometimes. I'm going to have a baby brother ! Hooray !! Someone to play football with ? I can't wait to get home and see him.
The second half kicks off and it is only going to be a matter of time before something happens.
But just to make sure we score, I hand out the lucky polos.
R.Tiverton : Have you got one on a stick please ? You know I like lollies best.
Then something happens. Southampton score with their only shot of the game as far as we can remember.
Monkey : You know your rituals ? Why don't they include making sure Barnsley have a midfield and some players who can actually hit the target ?
Me ( somewhat feebly ) : Well if I hadn't done all those things it might have been worse......
Monkey : What could possibly be worse than losing to a team like that ?
The final whistle goes.
R.Tiverton : Get up Slebitty Daddy ! Let's hurry home to see the new baby.
Poor little R.Tiverton will have to face up to another disappointment. I will have to explain all about babies and Mummy's tummies on the way home. Oh joy !
Ipswich 2 Barnsley 1
R.Tiverton has been patiently sitting by the door ready to set off since 2 o'clock. It is now time to leave and Monkey cannot be found. Then I hear a clickety-click sound and a lot of woolly swearing.
Me : What are you doing ? Hurry up ! We've got to get our pig ticket tonight.
Monkey : I am knitting a hat like the one Mr. Bog-thingy is wearing in his photo. You will have to wait till I have finished.
I am not going to argue and shove him in my bag. I notice the 'hat' is as full of holes as Barnsley's defence at Norwich. Haha, we set off in a good mood and I drive and walk with a fully recovered ankle - hooray ! Things are looking up.
R.Tiverton : Have you got enough money for 3 tickets ? I can't wait to go to Deedar town, I have never been. I know it's horrible there but I will be brave.
Monkey has spotted celebrity fan club poet in the car park and is pulling faces at him. This is a good thing as he is distracted while I spot an abomination behind the counter. Don't tell Monkey ! The thing is wearing a blue scarf !!!! I will willingly dress this creature properly if its owner wishes.
The Monkeys have brought presents for our new striker.
Monkey : It says on the internet that Maltesers eat maltesers.
R.Tiverton : I have got him a sheep's eyeball lolly because he was born in Libya and that's what they eat.
The match kicks off.
Monkey : Do you think they got Bogsanovitch out of a catalogue ? He doesn't look half the size he does in the photo.
I am just about to point out that people often think Monkey is a lot bigger than he actually is when Ipswich score.
There is barely time to moan before Ipswich score again.
Monkey : Right, I'm not watching anymore. I could have stayed home and watched Holby City and got on with my knitting.
R.Tiverton : Shurrup and get behind the Reds ! Come on Barnsley.
HALF TIME
R.Tiverton : Second half. Bogdanovich hatrick. Just you wait.
His little face cheers me up no end but I resist the temptation to tell him he is cute.
Me : So when is the new baby due Monkey ?
Monkey : Well Maureen reckoned at 8.30pm on Valentines Day but now she's decided to rearrange it for about 3 or 4 weeks after. At least she's not having an octopus like the woman in America.
I make a mental note to get his ears syringed.
Me : I thought those were a present !
Monkey : Footballers shouldn't eat chocolate. Not when they are losing 2 - 0 at home.
The second half starts and there is a lot of movement and Mr.Bog-thingy scores.
Monkey : I was born with a gift and that is to put chocolate in my mouth.
And we all dive into the maltesers, some more literally than others.
We have a new lucky sweet.
Jaws drop as Bobby Hassell finally hits the target.
Bogdanovich is substituted for another player.
R.Tiverton : Would you like your lolly now Daniel ? You have deserved it.
Oakwell begins to experience severe subsidence. 11,000 people are hoping this is all a bad bad dream.
But it wasn't.
By the time I have limped back to the car R.Tiverton has cried himself to sleep and my foot is hurting again.
Monkey : Well, we'll just have to have a bag each next week. That foot of yours. It's still the best left foot I've seen all night.
Pigs 0 Barnsley 1
Maureen has got on the bus to come with us to the Sty.
Monkey : But you'll miss Holby City luv and you must be tired what with the baby and everything. You can still change your mind and walk home.
Maureen : I am only pregnant. It is not a life-threatening condition ! Anyway, it is not due for weeks, the doctor keeps changing the date ! First the 14th of Feb then the 24th and now some unknown date in the future.
Monkey sighs. We will all have to behave nicely and won't be able to play our away match game where we have to try to get a policeman to tell us off for some minor infringement as Maureen would not approve.
R.Tiverton : Only one ticket for four of us, that's naughty.
R.Tiverton : Woooo, what a big ground ! Is it bigger than Brambly Lane ?
Monkey : Oooo yes, it is. Much bigger. Actually I neither know nor care R.Tivvy.
We make our way to the entrance. A steward searches my bag. He is unperturbed by finding 3 monkeys hiding in there. Two were having a quick pre-match snog.
Monkey : Oi ! Can we have no privacy !
The match kicks off and Maureen decides she'd rather get on with her knitting after all and she goes back in the bag.
R.Tiverton : Wensy really are getting a lot of free kicks Slebbitty Daddy. I've never seen Barnsley do so many fouls it's terrible !
R.Tiverton : Why are they calling the referee a banker ?
That's a terrible thing to call someone, even a referee.
Monkey : Whatuv we got ferus snap at aife time ?
Maureen ( muffled ) : Stop talking in that silly accent !
A minute later Campbell-Ryce scores and we all go mad.
HALF TIME
Maureen : Oooo I think it's started !
Monkey : It can't be time for kick off yet !
Maureen : NO !!! THE BABY ! It's coming.
I rush off to the ladies and hope there is no queue.
There is a lot of groaning and yelling ( and that is just Monkey ! )
Monkey fumbles about and with hands as safe as Heinzi's he catches the furry bundle as it pops out.
Monkey : Blimey !
Maureen : What is it ?
Monkey : It's a BABY ! Crikey !
R.Tiverton : It's a girl, a GIRL !! It's the wrong one, put it back and get a proper one !
R.Tiverton : You'll have to leave it here. It's a deedar and we can't take it home can we ? We can visit it once a year or more depending on cup draws.
Monkey tenderly swaddles his little daughter in the first available swaddling.
Monkey : OoooCheeeCooooCheeeCoooo ! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Oooos a little sweetie then ?
I push the cooing parents and new arrival into my pocket and rush back for the second half.
Somebody walks past muttering about monkeys but unusually for him Monkey is not the least bit interested in being a celebrity.
Only R.Tiverton reappears and as the stadium begins to sway from side to side there are times when neither of us can bear to watch. The tension is unbearable.
R.Tiverton : You'd better tell them to put the attendance up by one now that thing's been born.
R.Tiverton : Come on you Reds ! Keep it tight ! Barnsuuuuuurleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !!
Monkey ( muffled ) : OoooCheeeCooooCheeeCoooo !
He keeps it up as the play swaps from end to end.
R.Tiverton : Oh thank the Lord for Bobby Hassell !
R.Tiverton : Five minutes !! Five minutes extra ! Your watch has slowed down, press some buttons, get it going faster FASTER !!!
Monkey ( muffled ) : OoooCheeeCooooCheeeCoooo !
Then at last the final whistle goes and we both ascend to cloud 9.
R.Tiverton : Hooray, HOORAY !
Two little faces pop out of my pocket.
Me : We won !
Monkey : Yes OK, can we go home now, it's not been easy coping in here without nappies !
If he'd been waiting 26 years for this night he'd have been a little more interested.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy you could leave it in that doorway over there. Someone will find it and look after it. It needs to be looked after by its own kind.
We ALL get on the bus for the trip home.
Maureen : I thought we could call her Ronni after that Ronni Ancona on the telly. I know you say women can't do comedy but it's a lovely name.
Monkey : Fine luv. Ronni will be fine, just fine. Perhaps Ronni Jamal for special occasions.
And little Ronni smiles up and winks at her dad and completely melts his heart.
Barnsley 0 Charlton 0
R.Tiverton : Hurry up Slebitty Daddy, it's kick off in only five hours time. We'll be late !
Monkey : I'm sure you can manage without me. I have seen Charlton before.
Me : But you are Barnsley F.C.'s No.1 Celebrity Fan. If you don't come you might lose your title !
Monkey : Can I bring Ronni Jamal ?
R.Tiverton : Of course not, it's a girl and a deedar. They won't let it in the ground, it might elbow someone.
Me : She is a bit young don't you think ?
Ronni Jamal is left at home much to my relief.
Me : Try these on, we may need them later.
Monkey : Ha ... our very own Tykesmad rose-tinted spectacles !
Me : Yes, they will give you a positive outlook on the rest of the season to make it less stressful.
Monkey : But I can't see through them !
Me : Yes, that's how they work.
The match kicks off and the ball bounces about a lot, hither and thither, from one player to another. Nobody appears to know why or what they ought to be doing about it. It goes on for 45 minutes and a bit.
HALF TIME
R.Tiverton : You must stay positive Slebitty Daddy and no moaning or our photographer might go off in a huff again.
Monkey groans quietly then perks up as he remembers something he has hidden away.
Me : Where did you get that from !
Monkey : Someone on Spacebook asked if I preferred Galaxy to Dairy Milk and I didn't know the answer.
Me : But you have no money ! Hey....those were on the counter at WH Smiths......Monkey ! It said in the Sunday Times last week that monkeys have a conscience, you can't go round stealing things.
Monkey : It's OK ! We can go back next week and I'll take some Dairy Milk to even it up.
I take the chocolate off him and decide to make him return it next week.
My phone has not been working all afternoon.
I now know why, the memory is full. There are 122 videos or Ronni Jamal's every move since Tuesday night.
R.Tiverton : Not that wretched thing ! Turn it off !!
The second half kicks off and goes on in much the same way as the first except it is the other way round. We can just about tell this.
Monkey : Remember last time we played Charlton and you made me stay in your bag till we were winning and I sort of ate all the lucky polos, well I'm quite willing to make that sacrifice again.
Me : That won't be necessary, keep the faith Monkey.
( He is not getting out of watching it that easily ... If I have to then he has to too ! )
R.Tiverton : Oooo good, some new players who are going to be better than the old ones.
R.Tiverton : Mr.Davey does know what he's doing doesn't he ?
I roll my head about in a non-commital way, neither nodding or shaking.
Five minutes left and still no breakthrough. Desperate times call for desperate measures so I push Monkey in my bag and tell him to gobble the lot.
Monkey : Really ! Woooooooooooo
R.Tiverton : I think somebody didn't score then.
Extra time. Monkey is onto the last polo and is looking rather ill.
R.Tiverton : Hurry up and finish them, it nearly worked I think !
One minute to go :-
R.Tiverton : Rose-tinted spectacles please ! NOW !!!
The match ends.
R.Tiverton : Well. All that running about all afternoon and what was it all for ?
Just before we get back to the car Monkey announces he is going to be explosively sick.
We just make it the the grate in the car park in time.
Monkey : Urrrrrrgggghhh ! Hey guess what I can see floating past ! Those two easy points Barnsley just threw down the drain..........
R.Tiverton learns a hard lesson
It is a lesson that all Barnsley fans learn early on ..............
R.Tiverton : Mummy, that deedar keeps taking all my BEST things ! It's NOT FAIR !!
Maureen : Never mind R.Tivvy you've got lots of toys.
R.Tiverton : But MUMMY !! It takes my BEST things and it doesn't play with them properly. It just wants to STOP ME having them.
Maureen : Will you keep an eye on her while I just get the chips and gravy ready for tea please.
R.Tiverton : I want that back ! Toby Tyke gave me that and you cant have it. DEEDAR !!
Then daddy arrives to sort things out..........
Monkey : Ahhhhh Ronni Jamal ! What a clever little girl you are !!
Barnsley 2 QPR 1
Monkey has solved the problem of who owns the wellies and is putting the finishing touches to a delicate bit of embroidery when ....
Maureen : Ronni, Ronni Jamal, where are you sweetie. Come along now it's time to get the bus to Meadowhall.
Me : Quick, get in my bag, we'll sneak out the back way and finish the sewing in the car !
R.Tiverton : Why is that deedar coming ? It doesn't know about football and what are we going to do if it rains ?
Monkey : You'll both have to hop R.Tivvy.
Final preparations in the car.
Me : Are you not going to sew 'Jamal' on too ?
Monkey : Sigh. Well, some legends last longer than others, we'll see.
We arrive at Oakwell only to find an unwanted guest in the directors' box.
R.Tiverton : Oi, you Deedar Blackwell come and get her, she's down here, she's one of yours, take her back with you !
Monkey : R.Tivvy ! Just ignore him like everyone else.
There are some stoney faces and folded arms up there.
The game kicks off and there are times when we all find it difficult to keep our eyes on the ball as it flies past in the stratosphere. But there is some good football going on.
And then Boggy scores. It has been quite a long time since a goal at Oakwell and we have almost forgotten what to do.
But then QPR equalise and dark clouds of pessimism begin to waft over us.
Until.......HOOOOOOOOORAY......Anderson scores !!!
HALF TIME
Ronni Jamal : De dede der der da da daaa daa da
R.Tiverton : Well that just proves it's a deedar ! It talks like that Bean man, Shut up deedar !! SHUT UP ! Kevin Blackwell's coming to get you and take you away.
Ronni Jamal : De der da da da Dad dad dad dad
Monkey beams from ear to ear.
Half-time entertainment is provided by the Maltese synchronised diving team.
The second half kicks off.
Monkey : You are singing a lot today. Is that because you think someone might be watching you after all you've been spouting this week ? My arms are getting tired.
He sends R.Tiverton to sit on the fence. It's a cracking game and all is going well till Ronni Jamal speaks her second and third words....
Ronni Jamal : Davey out ! DAVEY OUT !
R.Tiverton : That shows how daft it is ! Shut up daft deedar ! SHUT UP !! You should only shout that when we're losing.
Monkey : Will you tell her to shut up please !
Me : I don't know where she's picked up ideas like that ? She's too little to have been on the message boards yet surely ?
We apologise to the people round us and she settles down which is a good thing because noisy anti-Davey riff raff are not allowed to sit behind the dugout.
The final whistle goes and we all breathe a sigh of relief.
Monkey : Where DO you stand on Simon Davey ?
Me : What sort of question is that ? I have no intention of standing on him !
Monkey : You are avoiding the question just like yesterday when your mum asked you if you'd ever had an imaginary friend.
We get home and Monkey rushes upstairs.
Monkey : She's been a little angel and she didn't get bored and we won and in fact we always win when she comes, she is a lucky baby and so I'll have to take her every time and .....
Maureen : And where is R.Tiverton ?
Monkey : Ermmmmmmmmmm
In the real world Mr.T draws the name of Barnsley F.C. from a bag to decide which English football team he has to support for life. Monkey is worried that a cool dude will usurp him as No. 1 Celebrity Fan........
Julian has popped round to see Monkey but is met by a complete stranger.
Julian : Hello, I've come to see Monkey, is he in ?
Monkey ( in a growling American accent ) : Ha ha, don't you recognise me you big woolly fluffball !
Julian : Have we met before ?
Ronni Jamal : Dadadadadad dad dad
Julian : Crikey, Monkey it's you ! What on earth ?
Monkey : I am facing my first real challenge as Barnsley F.C.'s no.1 Celebrity Fan so I have rebranded myself.
Julian : Wow, I dig the facial hair, I've always had a thing about moustaches.
Monkey : Julian..... I am..... Mr. T-bag !!
Julian : Cool !
Monkey : One slight problem... I can't actually walk in these boots !
Ronni Jamal : Dadadadadada dad dad
Monkey : Play tough Jules !
R.Tiverton Returns Home
The doorbell rings. Monkey runs to see if it is the postman delivering his April copy of 'Hot Monkey Babes', last month there was trouble when Maureen got to the door first. But no ! It is Steven Foster, he has brought R.Tiverton home.
Fozzie : Here's your little lad Monkey. You really ought to look after him properly. I've been too busy training to bring him home before now.
Monkey : Thank you Mr.Foster. We were glad to see you aren't out for the rest of the season like it said on the internet.
Fozzie : Monkey, there is a lot of nonsense on the internet. You should know that !
Monkey : Would you like to come in for some cupasoup and toastie soldiers ?
Fozzie : No thank you, I'd better get back to training. Bye R.Tiverton, nice meeting you.
R.Tiverton : Bye Fozzie !
We crowd round R.Tiverton eager to hear what he's been up to.
R.Tiverton : Well I was given special permission to watch Barnsley training and it was good fun.
R.Tiverton : First they do this thing where Miffy goes and hides in all the long grass and all the other players have to hoof the ball really really high up in the air to him to see if it lands anywhere near him.
Monkey : And did it work ? Were they any good at it ?
R.Tiverton : Not really.
R.Tiverton : Then Kozzie said let's play the feather game and I said what is that and he says they all get a feather and take it in turns to knock Anderson down with it. So I reminded him poor Anderson wasn't there and he said oh yes of course, sorry Anderson.
Monkey : Then what ?
R.Tiverton : Well a man with a bald head said I had to see him in his office so I waited in a queue for a long time then I went in. He said he had heard me shouting at Kevin Blackwell and calling him a deedar and that it was very rude. He said if I did it again he would confiscate my season ticket so I told him I don't actually have one and that we all go in with just one ticket and that we hide in pockets and bags. And he said 'Oh do you now that is very interesting and what are your names ?' And then he gave me this voucher to spend in the club shop and told me I was cute.
