Barnsley 1 Birmingham 1
Maureen : Thank you R.Tivvy for feeding Ronni. I'm glad that you have started to be kind and helpful towards your little sister. I've never known her go to sleep so easily ! Keep an eye on your dad tonight won't you. This Mr T-Bag nonsense has really gone to his head.
Having read in the paper this morning that chimps can plan ahead and collect missiles to throw at people I decide to check the contents of my bag before we leave.
Me : Right, which one of you put this in here ?
R.Tiverton : It was the deedar baby ! She was going to throw it at Mr.Davey because she wants to be in the Chron.
I am not sure whether to believe him.
We visit the club shop so R.Tiverton can spend his 10p off voucher. He spends 20 minutes studying the items in the "things for children" cabinet and finally decides on a Barnsley F.C. rubber so I only have to fork out an extra 70p but it is worth it as his little face lights up with joy.
Ugly has temporarily returned from his world trip and brought Monkey a shirt from the USA which he is dead pleased about as it goes with his Mr T-bag image. As Birmingham have a little cuddle on the pitch the monkeys do the same. Then R.Tiverton drops his precious rubber and I miss most of the first 5 minutes retrieving it as it has bounced several rows away.
R.Tiverton : We're doing alright aren't we ? You can't tell who's second top and fourth bottom.
R.Tiverton : Look, Fozzie and Andranik are on the naughty step. What do you think is in that big fat envelope that Andranik's clutching so tightly ?
Monkey : Huh, that'll be all those wages we are paying him for sitting about for two weeks. If he puts it down I'll run over and pinch it so we can redistribute it among the workers of Barnsley.
R.Tiverton : Like Robin Hood ? Yes, that sounds fair go on then.
HALF TIME
Monkey hands me a polo.
Monkey : Someone on BBS wanted to know if you suck or swallow them.
Me : Hmmm, better tell him when I'm excited I crunch and bite them till there's nothing left.
Me: You are a bit subdued tonight Monkey. Are you worrying about the ever looming possibility of relegation ?
Monkey : No it is because Mr.T has got 10 times as many friends as me on Spacebook and he doesn't even know where Barnsley is. And he hasn't had to sit through some of the rubbish I've had to sit through this season. Huh ! And I am Mr.T-Bag. Please address me correctly.
R.Tiverton : It's OK. He isn't up there today, I've looked.
Uncle Ugly wakes up from jetlag following his tour as Barnsley F.C.'s roving ambassador to the USA, Ireland and the Dominican Republic.
Mr.T-bag : Where are you going next Ugly?
Ugly : Leeds.
Out of sheer sympathy Mr T-bag invites Ugly ( his bitter rival ) to watch the second half with us.
R.Tiverton : That should've been a pen shouldn't it Slebitty Daddy. Oh whoops, you aren't my daddy, silly me, hahaha. Uncle Ugly why are you called Ugly ?
We enjoy the match and hope against hope that we will score as it really does seem like the two teams are well matched.
And at last it happens. Barnsley score and Mr T-bag and Ugly leap with joy. Unfortunately R.Tiverton clings onto them both and it all results in a mid-air monkey head collision. BUT who cares, we are WINNING !!!!!!!
But the joy doesn't last long sadly as the equaliser arrives 3 minutes later. Another two points float away.
Mr.T-bag : FOOLS, damn FOOLS !!
Back in the car R.Tiverton proudly shows off his new rubber.
R.Tiverton : Look it's got Toby Tyke on it ! Gosh, Uncle Ugly, you've got a sticky out tongue just like me ! Slebitty Daddy hasn't got one of those.
Barnsley 0 Blackpool 1
For once we have got all the way to the ground without incident.
Monkey : Erm I've got a confession to make.
Me : If it's about spamming everyone in the whole world to be your friend on Spacebook I already know. Your email's jammed up.
Monkey : No it's not that, it's worse, much worse, I've spent a lot of your money by accident again.
Me : What now ?
Monkey : Well I thought I'd help out and buy the Brambly Lane ticket so I rang the club's ticket line....
Me : YOU DID WHAT !!!!
Monkey : Well you buy all sorts of things over the phone and on the internet, I thought it would be so easy. Anyway I dialled the number and all I could hear was a lady reading out the entire official website. I kept saying hello but she just went on and on telling me how much hot dogs and stuff cost at Derby. She wouldn't listen to me ! Then after about half an hour she said hello back and said there were lots of tickets left but I couldn't have one. I had been on the phone long enough to pay Andranik's wages for another week of idleness.
And with that off his chest he whips my credit card and dashes off to the box office to make amends.
When R.Tiverton and I catch up with him it is clear he hasn't been looking where he was going.
The man picks him up.
Man : Hello, you must be Celebrity Monkey, I have seen you on the internet. My name's Barnsley66.
Monkey : Huff, puff, wheeeeze.
Barnsley66 : You're not very fit are you and you're putting on a bit of weight lad ! Must be all those polos and chocolates.
Monkey : At least I don't tread on people !
Barnsley66 : You should come training with me. I'm doing a sponsored run in May to raise money for the charity BASIC that Iain Hume suggested.
Monkey : Oh that ! I'm doing that, I've got loads of sponsors already.
It is the first I've heard of it. Monkey poses for photos and off we go to the ticket office.
We arrive at the ground and Monkey announces he is upgrading the facilities.
Me : What's wrong with weeing on the wall like all the other blokes ?
Monkey : What's wrong !!! I am five inches tall, that's what's wrong with going in that place.
Me : Is it going to be plumbed in ?
Monkey : I don't think so. I thought maybe you could pop it in your bag to take home and empty it.
The match kicks off and the Blackpool coach tapes up posters and diagrams and lists of tactics in their dugout. Oh how we laugh.
Monkey : R.Tivvy, sneak down there and read what it says then go and tell Davey. Go on.... you're the smallest.
R.Tiverton : No. I will not, that would be cheating.
The play moves from end to end. Blackpool seem to have more ideas than Birmingham did. Worryingly they seem to have more ideas than Barnsley too. One empty crisp packet after another flies over our heads.
HALF TIME
Monkey disappears then after a few minutes ....
Monkey : Oi !!! Toilet paper ! Have you got any toilet paper !!
We wait for the second half to begin. Things can only get better.
After 10 more minutes of coming and going on the pitch there is a little muffled cry from my pocket.
Ronni Jamal : Davey out ! Davey out !
I didn't even know she'd come. The extra strong sleeping tablets R.Tiverton gave her on Tuesday have worn off.
Then catastrophe strikes and Blackpool score.
R.Tiverton : It's alright. There's 20 minutes to go. Don't panic. It'll inspire Barnsley to step up a gear and score twice.
Ronni Jamal : DAVEY OUT !
The Reds press forwards and backwards too and there was a shot.
R.Tiverton : Ooooohhhh ! It's alright. Mr.Davey's got a plan. He has. He has hasn't he Slebitty Daddy ?
Ronni Jamal : DAVEY OUT ! DAVEY OUT !
R.Tiverton : Shut up deedar ! That's not helping.
Ronni Jamal : Dingle dingle dinggggggggggggguuuulll
And as the final whistle blows an almighty fight breaks out between the pro-Davey and anti-Davey lobbies.
R.Tiverton : Ouch ! Get off ! Stop !!!
But she won't. Tired of his baseless optimism she beats the living daylights out of him until I step in as Monkey clearly had no intention of separating them.
Monkey ( to me ) : Well if you'd set a better example maybe she wouldn't be so violent. You have just kicked all those defenceless plastic bottles right across the West stand and STOP SWEARING.
R.Tiverton : My arm hurts
R.Tiverton : My arm's gone all limp and won't do what I want it to.
Me : Huh, sounds like Barnsley F.C.
A large tear rolls down his cheek.
Me : I'm sorry R.Tivvy. Sorry for making you support Barnsley and I'll sort your arm out.
Monkey : You don't think daddy's fat do you Ronni ?
Ronni : Dadadadadad fat.
Barnsley 1 Nottingham Forest 1
Since the visit to Dr.De Zeuww's football therapy centre Maureen has banned the children from playing Davey in / Davey out and their other favourite 'Dingles vs Deedars'.
So today they are engaged in a violent tussle re-enacting Scargill vs Thatcher. Sadly R.Tiverton is coming off worst.
R.Tiverton : Stop banging my head you scabby deedar !
I separate them and get them in the car. Off we go !
..
..
..
It is now five minutes to two and Monkey has disappeared. He is supposed to be starting his charity photoshoot at 2 o'clock. I run round like crazy looking for him then R.Tiverton spots him.
Monkey : Oh yes thank you for reminding me. I clean forgot about that when I saw these. Why don't you have a go ?
We arrive huffing and puffing at our photoshoot location to find we have an early visitor.
R.Tiverton : Hi Uncle Julian, you made it after all.
Monkey : Ignore him children. He is here to steal my limelight. That is his game.
Some people come and have their pictures taken ( big THANK YOU to all ) but Monkey notices quite a lot of passers-by have no idea who he is.
Me : Cheer up, don't forget a lot of them have come to their first match since Wembley.
R.Tiverton : Look Colace has brought his baby. What a lovely baby. It doesn't swear and it doesn't shout Davey out !
Ronni Jamal : We got the Falklands you Argie baby !
R.Tiverton : Shut up and stop being Mrs.Thatcher now ! We're here for the football stupid.
The match kicks off and neither side really gets anywhere. The wind swirls the ball around.
Monkey : I've had a sudden idea ! Do you think we could get Madonna to come and adopt Odejayi ?
Ronni Jamal : Kozzy kicked dat man right dere in his ...........
Monkey : OOOOOOoooouuuu ! I did see Ronni, ouch, ouch, ouch ! Please don't kick daddy THERE again.
HALF TIME
R.Tiv : Which is the Chronicle man ? He wouldn't print my letter because he said R.Tiverton wasn't my real name.
Monkey : Was it one of your long pro-Davey rants ? That is more likely why it wasn't printed. You didn't send it on April 1st did you ?
R.Tiv : Yes, then he wanted my address and I realised don't actually know where we live. Silly man with a silly name he is.
Then Julian turns up again.
Julian : I'm glad to see you are looking after that cash. I have been entertained in the executive boxes. Of course they all wanted to talk to me.
Monkey : Just ignore him children. He is getting too grand for us.
Ronni Jamal : Dadadadad want pompoms, WANT POMPOMS !!
The second half kicks off and R.Tiverton has found a huge lolly in my bag.
R.Tiverton : Hooray ! GOOOOAL to Campbell-Soup. This is a truly lucky lolly. I would like to point out that my letter to the Chron blamed the players for picking up silly bookings and if that man had printed it and Jamal Campbell-Soup had read it then he might have had a bit more sense.
Monkey : That's rather a large lolly, don't you think you should share it ?
R.Tiverton : No ! She'll get all sticky like Campbell-Soup's boots when they won't let him pass the ball.
Then Barnsley get and miss a penalty. The man in front leapt up and got a lolly stuck to his head. While he is watching JCR's miss I yark it off and clean it up.
Then Forest refuse to be beaten and decide to score. We all go quiet.
Monkey : Come on R.Tiv, get licking that lucky lolly.
But it is a forlorn hope. We are starting to believe that our choice of matchday confectionary has no effect on results.
Barnsley push forward and backward time and time again but nothing happens to change the score.
The final whistle comes. My heart sinks a little further down.
Monkey : R.Tiverton, at no stage did Arthur Scargill poke Margaret Thatcher with an enormous lolly stick ! Will you stop it please !!
Monkey : Tivvy shush ! You are not old enough to remember Orgreave, come away now !
We finally arrive back at the car and hear the familiar clip clop of llama hooves.
Julian : Aaaaaaaaarrrrhhhh ! I think I've had too many prawn sandwiches !
Monkey : Children, let that be a lesson to you about the evils of corporate entertaining in a capitalist economy.
Blunts 2 Barnsley 1
Monkey : Look at the lovely buildings children , what a modern city we've come to !
R.Tiverton : Why has it only taken us 16 minutes to get here ? When we go to Barnsley it takes us 43 minutes and 37 seconds on average.
Monkey : What do you think our chances are for tonight ?
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Dad, don't change the subject. How did we get here so quickly ?
R.Tiverton thinks hard and suddenly a dreadful thought occurs to him. The most dreadful thing he could imagine.
R.Tiverton : No NO NO tell me it's not true. We don't live in Deedar Town do we ? We don't, we can't, please PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE !
He looks from me to Monkey and back again. Monkey shrugs his shoulders.
R.Tiverton ( to me ) : But I was born at your house and you were so that means we're both ...... I can't bring myself to say it.....Well that's it I'm never talking to you two ever again.
Off to the ground where there are THREE men employed to help us use the automatic ticket system.
Monkey : Why can't they just have one man taking the ticket off us ?
Me : It's technology gone mad Monkey !
Inside we go and the game kicks off. R.Tiverton has gone off to sit elsewhere.
Ronni Jamal : Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ******, Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ****** !
Ronni Jamal and Monkey : Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ******, Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ****** !
Ronni Jamal and Monkey and Me and 2999 others : Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ******, Chriiiiiiiiiis Morgan is a ****** !
It's good end to end football and the Blunts pose less of a threat than Forest did.
Ronni Jamal : Dadad can we go to this party ?
Monkey : Yes Sweetie, there's going to be ice-cream ! But it might not be for a while yet.
Muller makes a marvellous save and we duck.
HALF TIME
Sean Bean : Av brought yer sum sweeties fer 'kiddies.
Monkey : Thank you.
Ronni Jamal : Dem's not sweeties dem's Parma violets dat you got in a multipack and dunt want to eat darsen. Dem's made o soap. B*gger off !
Monkey : R.Tiv luv, how about this banana flavoured lolly, I've saved it specially for tonight. Come on Tivvy.
R.Tiverton : I have just spent 45 minutes stood next to a man shouting "DEEDARS DEEDARS" at the top of his voice and I feel humiliated.
Ronni Jamal : Tivtiv's a deedar ! DEEDAR !
Then the second half kicks off.
Monkey : Well we're not going to see much with that fat bum in the way !
The Blunts get into the game a bit more so Barnsley let them.
Never one to miss an opportunity ...
Monkey : Hello, I'm Barnsley's no.1 celebrity fan and I'd like you to vote for me...
Man : OK, I'll do that now can I get on wi watching 'game ?
Then....
Ronni Jamal : Woooooo Dadad steward coming ! Watch out !
Steward : No cameras please.
Well anyway what happened next ? The steward went away.
We put the lens cap on and hid the camera, got the mobile out and started to hide behind the man in front. Risking certain arrest and ejection if spotted again ALL FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT !
Monkey : Why's Anderson got booked when it's Kenny standing on their player ?
Ronni Jamal : Dadad why dunt ee put Amill on ?
Monkey : It is so obvious ! A six week old tiny monkey knows what's best.
Then the Blunts score and we realise they have got some supporters. The 0-0 we had been hanging on for slips away.
It gets doubly worse and Monkey cannot bear to watch Kenny dancing about. Seismometers across the world are registering this.
Now you'd think that being sat right behind the goal we'd have managed a good shot of the penalty.
And then we score and I realise Monkey has run off .
Apparently someone shouted something provocative in a Welsh accent from the dugout and a bit of a fight broke out.
The final whistle goes. Darren Moore hugs Chris Morgan. Not tightly enough.
Monkey : Well why do you support Barnsley F.C. ?
Me : Because I love them. I love the town and it's people. I've got coal dust in my blood and I've got Barnsley dna and I....
Monkey : OK, no need for speeches !
And off we go back to the car. I am nearly overcome by an urge to sing a song for Iain Hume but I am sensible and walk out in front of a speeding 4x4 instead.
This Morning I was woken by the pitter patter of tiny feet.
R.Tiverton : I am leaving. I am going to live in Barnsley. I cannot live a lie any more. You have been misleading the good people of Barnsley for a year and that is very wrong.
Me : But Tivvy, it's never been a secret ! I'll buy you that ruler you wanted from the club shop.
R.Tiverton : You cannot buy my soul !
Me : And the pencil sharpener too ?
Me : Aren't you taking your favourite book ?
R.Tiverton : Post it onto me, I'll email you my new address.
He disappears down the drive carrying with him all his most precious things.
As if today wasn't miserable enough !
Barnsley 1 Swansea 3
Monkey : I thought I'd just make sure your egg was made of the sort of chocolate you like.
Me : Car NOW !
We arrive at the ground to find R.Tiverton waiting for us. He has been living in Barnsley Library since Friday.
Monkey : R.Tivvy luv, I've got some exciting news for you ! The Chron did print your letter after all on April 3rd and your photo was in the Swansea program on Saturday.
R.Tiverton : Yes Slebitty Dad. I saw it at the library. The Chron didn't put my real name did it - just 'Reds Fan - Shafton', I could have been any pro-Davey nutter really. Still it all works in my favour when the voting starts for Celebrity Fan of the Season.
Ronni Jamal : I got Pompoms !
Gimme a D....Gimme an A......V....E....Y.....O.....U.....T....!....!
R.Tiverton : Shut up you girl !
We have our own little minute of contemplation as the match kicks off and my mind wanders back twenty years to another Spring afternoon.
But we are brought swiftly back to the present. Swansea score before Barnsley are ready. That just isn't fair !
Barnsley settle and start to apply some pressure to Swansea. Swansea soak it all up like a big sponge.
Monkey : Oooooo look TV cameras pointing at me. Hey ! Sky TV, I'm over here, it's me ME, Celebrity Monkey !!
He leans sideways and pushes R.Tiverton slightly out of the way.
And then Swansea have the audacity to score again.
R.Tiverton : It's no use, celebrity fans have to carry on watching ! Get back up here Slebitty Dad.
Simon Davey :
Monkey : Why can't we sit in the East Stand ? It's got facilities and it's really modern. You are just too idle to walk round aren't you ?
Me : Monkey, I have other things on my mind right now.
HALF TIME
R.Tiverton has asked me to take him to find the man from the Chron so he can apologise for insulting him for not printing his letter when in fact he had. Not knowing what he looks like it proved an impossible task. We return to our seats only to find the cousin I have brought has nodded off due to exam revision stress.
R.Tiverton : Wake up R.Jake ! WAKE UP !! Where's Slebitty Dad gone ?
Monkey is nowhere to be seen.
Me : Perhaps he's run over to the East Stand for the second half. That's the way his mind works when he gets a daft idea.
I "accidentally" tread on R.Jake's foot. as I reclaim my seat.
R.Tiverton : East Stand, where's mi dad ? East Stand, East Stand, East Stand where's mi dad ?
The East Stand remains silent.
The second half kicks off. Jamal Campbell-Soup has gone.
Simon Davey :
Barnsley keep on trying. What it is they are trying no-one seems sure.
Then Scotland scores and there really is not going to be a glorious comeback. Even R.Tiverton the perennial optimist realises the dreadful truth.
But never mind, we get a consolation penalty which Boggy slots home efficiently.
Ronni Jamal : Gimme a B....gimme an O..... gimme a V.....gimme a....erm.......gimmee a......Tivtiv, how do you spell Bovganaditch ?
Extra time comes and goes then the ref blows.
R.Tiverton : I never thought I'd say this but I am actually thinking about shouting 'Davey Out !'
He decides against it but insists we tidy up the litter that has collected under the seat.
R.Tiverton : What's this ?
R.Tiverton : Oh crikey ! I think somebody has kidnapped Slebitty Dad. I think I'd better come home with you to help sort this out.
Me : Well that would be nice. Hurry up R.Tivvy, I can't wait to get home and create something remotely amusing from this afternoon's events.
http://www.justgiving.com/fansforiainhume is where you can send the ransom money.
Barnsley 1 Wolves 1
We leave home feeling tense, nervous and in a state of slight terror.
Monkey has an unusual choice of half-time snack.
Monkey : Why do you put yourself through this supporting Barnsley business year after year ? This is my second 'end of season calamity' and my nerves are shredded.
Me : Some questions cannot be answered Monkey. Do you reckon we'll have any defenders today or is Davey crying wolf as usual ?
R.Tiverton : Remember in that story the Wolves do actually turn up in the end and eat the little boy who cries wolf.
We are walking up the hill when a taxi stops. The window opens. "How's your dad ?" the driver asks.
For a moment I think he has the wrong person. "I used to sit near you, I remember he was badly"
I tell him dad passed away a few years ago and my memory of the 'taxi man ' returns.
He says he is sorry to hear that and drives off leaving me welling up.
Me : That may help answer your question Monkey. Someone from years and years ago cares to stop and ask about a fan whose name he didn't even know.
Monkey : Yes, I think I understand. You aren't going to weep ALL afternoon are you ? I don't want another Wembley. It took me days to dry out after Wembley.
Monkey : You know what we've missed this season R.Tivvy ?
R.Tiverton : Yes, a regular goal-scorer. One worth about 1.3 million pounds say.
Monkey receives his Celebrity Fan of 2008-2009 trophy and the crowd applaud ( as Bobby gets his cup at the same time )........
................. but Monkey's joy is short-lived when he sees the size of the Young Celebrity Fan trophy R.Tiverton receives.
The monkeys have a pre-match huddle. Monkey is delighted as this is the first time R.Tivvy has hugged his little sister.
R.Tiverton ( whispering in Ronni's ear ) : In a minute some big bad Wolves are coming to get you and they'll eat you up because you are too small to run away !
We spend the next 20 minutes calming her down as Barnsley do their usual good football to start a match routine without actually having anything to show for it.
HALF TIME
Monkey : What's all that police tape for ? It says DO NOT CROSS, I hope Campbell-Soup doesn't see it !
Ronni Jamal : It's to stop Simon Davey getting into the crowd and attacking them Dadad.
The second half gets underway and the crowd gets going.
Pontyend : RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY
RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY
RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY RED ARMY
We join in as best we can along with one or two other west standers.
Hoooooooooorayyyyyyyyyyy !
Barnsley score and Monkey celebrates with a leap that outdoes every celebration leap of the season I nearly have to drop the camera to catch the pair of them.
The scoreboard begins to attract our attention .
R.Tiverton : 15 minutes and 26, 15 minutes and 25, 15 minu.....
Until....
.....the inevitable happens and Wolves score.
R.Tiverton : I wish we could play the last 5 minutes first and get the disappointment over with.
Monkey : I am going to try to do that thing where the dude has a shower and when he comes out, the past season has just been a dream.
Me : Ha ha. Why not put your underpants over your shorts, wear a cape, fly into outer space and spin the earth backwards to reverse time too ?
Monkey : No, that would be silly.
The final whistle comes. No conclusions today. The agony continues. The fingernails can grow a bit by Monday and then be nibbled back again.
Monkey : Can we go on the pitch ?
R.Tiverton : No, we will be banned forever.
Monkey ( to me ) : You have been on the pitch and you are still here.
Me : The day we got into the Prem everyone was on the pitch.
Monkey : What about when you sneaked on to scatter some of your Dad's ash........
Me : Monkey Shhhhhhhh ! That is private !! I don't think I want that on the internet !!
My Dad ( sitting up there on his cloud ) : Davey OUT !
I spot a small piece of turf lying by the seats.
R.Tiverton : Do you think anyone will mind if we take it home and look after it ? Jamal Campbell-Soup might have trodden on it.
And with that we say goodbye to Oakwell for a few months. Not knowing how things will be on our return.
But never mind. We have a little bit of grass to nurture.
