Silly things Monkey does
Monkey checks his nuts
All present and correct !
Monkey's night out with the Lads
3 a.m. Saturday morning.
I am woken by the pitter patter of tiny feet and a lot of drunken giggling.
The doorbell rings and I go downstairs to open the front door.
Monkey and some of his friends and guests from Tykesmad have got back from their night out.
Monkey asks if his mates can crash out with us tonight as it's a long way home for them.
Reluctantly I agree as the neighbours' curtains are beginning to twitch.
The drunken procession makes slow progress up the stairs.
Will someone help little Simon please, he's struggling.
Quiet ! You'll wake Nardiello up, no maybe not.
I can see that I am not going to get much sleep tonight.......
After his hangover had cleared Monkey sheepishly
announced he'd got something to
show me.
He'd had too much pop and ended up getting a tattoo.
Monkey, I said, your mates have really stitched you up this time haven't they !
Another occasion when Monkey had too much pop.
Monkey claims his Great great uncle Harry played for Barnsley F.C. in the
1912 FA Cup final and shows us the photo to prove it.
Monkey joins Barnsley F.C.'s marketing campaign.
Who's going to tell him his mistake after he spent hours on this narna artwork ?
Monkey helps out
Monkey is at a loose end. He is following me around.
"Have you got any little jobs I could do ?" he asks.
I think a while. Monkey's 'help' is not usually very helpful.
I decide to give him another chance. Perhaps he has turned over a new leaf.
"You could mow the lawn if you can manage," I tell him.
"Righto !" And off he goes.
Where did Monkey go ?
In Skegness, Monkey was asked to judge the "Alan Hansen loolalike" competition.
He decided there was no winner - they all looked too cheerful.
BEWARE of satnavs !
Monkey says can we watch Euro 2008 on the in-car TV, it seems to be stuck on the Sky map channel he grumbles. I tell him it is a satnav. Oh he says, I used to work at the satnav factory programming the routes. Every Friday he and his mates would have too much pop and set the machines to tell people to drive into the sea and perform a u-turn when possible at random intervals. I say that I am not surprised to hear that.
We meet some little monkeys who are both terrified and fascinated by Monkey and his shirt. They chat noisily for hours. Afterwards Monkey tells me they were Lincoln City fans and were telling him all about Neil Redfearn and asking him where was the best place to sit at Wembley and what could you get to eat there. He'd also promised them that I would sew them a kit each and post it to them when we got home.
Monkey is fed up with us not having Sky TV so he is determined to make some money to drag our household into the 20th century in time for Palace away. Unfortunately he has decided that the best way to make a fast buck is by posing with no kit on.
I have told him that no-one will pay to look at a bit of wool in suggestive poses but he wouldn't listen. So here we go ............. ( adults only ! )
.......one to appeal to a different audience
Me : I am not putting that on !
Monkey : Why not ? What is wrong with a photo of a monkey eating a banana ?
Me : You know perfectly well !!!!
Monkey : You know your problem....... you've got a dirty mind !
Monkey gets grand ideas
I am trying to get on with a bit of work when Monkey comes wandering in .....
Monkey : How do you spell Beckham ?
Me : T............W............I..............T. Why do you want to know that ?
Monkey : I am going to do autographs on Saturday at the match.
Me ( trying to be patient ) : When you do autographs you are supposed to write your own name !
Monkey : Oh, I thought I'd make more money if I did stuff like Beckham and who's that other one, Frank Lampost.
Me : You can't charge people !!! And who on earth would want your autograph ? Ha ha
Monkey shuffles off looking dejected. I have hurt his feelings, never mind, back to work !
5 minutes later he is back.
Monkey : How do you spell 'Monkey' ?
