Monkey and Julian star in

Quantum of Sausage

The story begins in Patrick's office at Oakwell where there is panic.........

Patrick : How can you have lost something as important as that ! That document was for your eyes only.

Simon : Well I put it on top of the sausages I bought for tea while I popped out for a moment.

Patrick : Your plans for beating Sheffield United have gone missing and all you can think about is what you are having for tea ! We will have to call in an expert secret agent to retrieve them. Now who do we know with a foot in both camps ?

Don : How about Julian Broddle, 003 left back, former Barnsley legend and one time Blade ? I heard he does a bit of espionage on the side.

Patrick : Yes, call him right away.....

 

Julian : The name's Broddle, Julian Broddle.

Patrick offers Julian all the grass he can eat if he retrieves the plans before they reach the enemy.

 

Julian : Monkey are you busy ? Can you give me a lift to Brambly Lane please ?

The intrepid duo set off to visit K to collect some odd but hopefully murderous gadgets.

 

Monkey : Hi, Kozzie, we're on an important mission, what have you got that might help ?

Kozluk : I have a whoopee cushion that releases cyanide gas or how about this invisible heli-hat as used by Darren Moore to lift himself off the ground and score at Charlton...

Julian : Have you nothing sensible ?

 

Kozluk : Well I could always lend you a hand ..........

Boom boom

 

The intrepid pair set off down the M1.

Julian : Why are you driving at breakneck speed Monkey ? I'd rather die another day if you don't mind.

Monkey : We are being pursued by evil foreign looking men.

Julian, looking round : No we aren't !

Monkey : It's just a story !!! Right, I'm going to stop now and do that bit where the dude comes out of the water in his pants and all the babes go woooooooo.

 

Monkey : Second thoughts, maybe not, the birdbath looks a bit mingy and cold this afternoon.

 

 

Julian : Ah, we have reached Deedar town. Careful Monkey, there was no need to

run that poor beggar down ! Look up ahead at that !!

 

 

Monkey : Woooo, a hot babe introduced into the plot for no particular reason.

Julian : Turn right then Monkey she is showing us the way !

 

 

And as the pair turn right, the hot babe can contain her evil giggle no longer.

 

Monkey : Woooo, Julian, another hot babe just waiting for a couple of hot dudes to come along !

 

 

 

But....oh dear.....our heroes have driven right into a trap.

Caught in a net by the evil biased referee.

 

 

Julian and Monkey are dragged off to a dark basement somewhere in Deedartown wherein lurks an evil inquisitor.

He sits upon his silver pedestal and awaits the arrival of his minions and the captives.

 

 

Monkey : Crikey ! It's the dastardly Ugo Hedgehog. Julian, we're in big trouble now.

Ugo Hedgehog : Yes, you thought you could come here with your secret plan to reclaim HIM.

Monkey : Who ? I don't know who you mean.

Ugo Hedgehog : HIM, HIM, HIM, there is only one HIM !!!!! His holiness Brian Howard.

Monkey : No, I really can't think who you mean. Run it past me again.

Ugo Hedgehog : Prepare the torture evil biased referee.

 

 

Monkey : Julian, the spy who loves me, HELLLLLLLP !!! They are going to drill the living daylights out of me.

 

As news spreads round the messageboards that Monkey is to be tortured, a small queue begins to form.

Julian faints.

Then Monkey hears a familiar voice........

 

Maureen : Monkey where are you. That's ten times I've shouted you. Your tea's ready.

Stop messing about with these silly people. What's that funny hedgehog thing, it looks like it should have pineapple chunks on it.

How 70s !

Maureen has arrived, and with all guns blazing she despatches the baddies in no time at all.

 

Maureen : Oh you poor thing Julian. Let me cut this string.

Monkey : What about me luv ? Maureen, please.

 

 

Monkey is restored to the bosom of his family, Maureen's bosom to be accurate.

Maureen : Would you like to stay for tea Uncle Julian ?

Julian : Yes, thank you. That would be lovely, what are we having ?

Maureen : Sausages.....

Meanwhile, back at Patrick's ....

 

Simon : Silly me ! Look what I just found in the bathroom !!

Patrick : There is nothing in this folder !

Simon : Yes, well I haven't actually started thinking about it yet.

Hey !!! Where have my sausages gone ?

THE END

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