Pre-season training at Oakwell
Monkey has been called in to help Kayodi Doggyjayi with his finishing skills.
They begin with the basics.
Heinzi Muller has joined them. He has not brought his arms. He doesn't think they will be needed today.
"Oh dear ! Not Wembley again," sighs Monkey.
Doggy's next try is no better !
Monkey suggests he should start a little closer to the net.
Heinzi begins to wonder why he has bean called out.
Monkey shouts, " the ball goes in the net not you ! ". Doggy weeps.
Monkey finally loses all patience and ties Doggy to a tree.
He will never forgive Doggy for spoiling the first ever Barnsley match he went to. Monkey can be so cruel.
Man of Tin vs Man of Steel
Two goalkeepers to choose from. Who will be first choice this season ?
Heinz : I vos here first this shirt is mine !
Luke : I am a man of steel it is my shirt. You have only got one good leg.
Heinz : You cannot hav my shirt ! My knee is better now.
Luke : I made all those world class saves at Anfield , I deserve it.
Heinz : Ah ! But I would have caught them all, you just punched them avay like a girl !
Heinz : And I can save penalties and I am more handsome than you.
Luke : Arrr but you are going to be in BIG trouble with the FA when they see what it says all over your head !
And your name - double product placement that is. It shouldn't be allowed. Who wants to eat yoghurt with beans anyway ?
Heinz : I am thinking you hav a screw loose !
Monkey pesters ......
Can I have a new away kit please ? Will you make me one ?
No, I haven't got any black fabric.
You could buy yourself a new kit and make one out of the sleeves for me.
Not at £40 a shirt. No way Monkey !
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.
NO NO NO!
Later I go to put on my expensive new Primark top. Monkey is nowhere to be found.
Monkey and the Caravan
Monkey is at a loose end. He has fallen out with me and Maureen.
He is staring out of the window when suddenly a strange little caravan appears in
the garden. He sets off downstairs to investigate.
The doorbell rings and Monkey finds some odd little chaps at the door.
Peg person : Hello, would you like to buy some pegs ?
Monkey : Yes, we need some to replace the ones that went missing yesterday. Those look exactly like the ones we lost ! What luck that you should come round today. Who are you anyway ?
Peg person : We are called Doncaster Rovers as we are from Doncaster and we like to go roving in our caravan. We are looking for hedgehogs for our tea.
Monkey : I think I've heard of you. Aren't you from a small town in Sheffield ? Oh I remember you beat Leeds, oh well done !
Peg person : Grrrrrr ! Would you like to meet our Mum ? She is called Lucky Heather and she can tell your fortune.
Monkey : Yes, I could do with knowing what next season will bring for Barnsley F.C.
Lucky Heather : Hello Monkey I knew you were coming, cross my palm with silver and I will reveal your future.
Monkey : Sorry but I've given my last 50p to your lads for pegs.
Lucky Heather : Oh well, I can send you a bill. I am looking into my magic ball ...... I see that Barnsley F.C. are doomed, doomed I say.... they will once again gift six points to each of their neighbours....
Monkey : Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. What about my future ?
Lucky Heather : Your future as a celebrity continues to escalate as you virus through the messageboards one at a time...... but your private life........ it is complicated to say the very least..........you are in for a big surprise.........I see a large gathering..............I see.......... Sorry luv, time's up !
Monkey : But but but.... What next ?
Pre-season Training Camp
In an attempt to get Barnsley F.C. players to gel together as a team Patrick ( pink ), Don ( green ) and Simon ( blue ) have decided to take the squad to an army training camp.
Patrick : Where are the rest of the players ? I thought they were all coming ?
Don : Well I organised the coaches, just like I did when we went to Wembley. I put the ones that were ready to set off behind the ones that had no-one in then I shouted at the people who didn't know which coach to get on because they didn't have any numbers and then........
Patrick : I suppose we are lucky to have 5 players here then if that's the case.
Then mysteriously while no-one is looking, Luke Steel snaps in half.
Heinzi : Vy are you all lookink at me ? It vos not me ! Vy do you all sink it vos me ? He is my friend !
Barnsley F.C.'s very own funny monkey ( orange utan ) Kozzy is mocking Doggyjayi.
Kozzy : Ha ha, we all know whose sleeping bag you'll be sharing ! Ha ha !
Doggy bursts into tears and Steven Foster has to step in to keep the peace.
Simon : Patrick, Patrick. Please can I have some money ?
Patrick : Ah, have you found a new striker for me to buy ?
Simon : No, I want an ice-cream please.
Sergeant : Right you 'orrible lot ! You're going to do an assault course. Along the beam and under the net. Yes even you Mr.Doggy.... under the net....not round the side !
Fozzie whispers in Doggy's ear : Be strong, you can do it. You shouldn't go reading messageboards, they are full of nutters with nothing better to do than go on and on all summer about one little mistake !
Kozzy clearly has had an hilarious idea. He tips the plank over causing nasty injuries to both goalkeepers.
At this point, as with any camping trip, the heavens open and the rest of the
trip is spent in a damp tent.
Brian Howard is prepared
Two days before the start of the season. His holiness Brian Howard has demanded that his team-mates should polish him till he shines brightly like the star he is.
Howard : Stephen Foster ! Call yourself player of the year ! You can't even hold a duster up to me ME ME !
Fozzie : We're all doing our very best Mr.Howard.
Howard : Call me SIR ! ....... Doggyjayi, you've missed a bit !
Heinz : I vill not call you Sir ! Vee should be practising our set pieces and tactics not doing zer cleanink !
Kozzie : If we polish you hard enough do you think you could shine all season and not just when you feel like it ? Heee hee
Kozzie is laughing at his own jokes again.
Management meeting at Patrick's house
On the eve of the new season, Patrick ( pink ), Don ( green ) and Simon ( blue ) have gathered at Patrick's house to discuss the coming season.
Patrick : Welcome to my humble abode gents. Do wipe your feet.
Don : Do we have to queue to get in ? I like queues.
Patrick : Come on Simon, they are only stairs ! You can manage stairs surely !
Simon : I'm doing my best Patrick. A top of the staircase position is a possibility but I think realistically we would all be happy with finishing the season in mid-staircase rather than at the bottom.
Patrick : You are not on the radio now Simon !
Patrick : First of all, congratulations on being made a director Don ! A reward indeed.
Don : Well, the stronger together campaign has all gone down very well though a lot of younger folk have asked to be moved out of the West stand upper tier. But we have installed stairlifts for the remaining residents.
Patrick : I have a strange letter here from PG Tips thanking me, apparently sales of their teabags have soared in the Barnsley area during the summer. They seem to think we have a monkey ! What on earth ?
<
Don : I have brought in a management consultant to help us look ahead, she is called Heather Lucky....
Lucky Heather : I am looking into my crystal ball........ah I see........ You will exit the FA Cup in the third round....beaten at home by Doncaster ladies U13...everyone will go haha not so clever any more are you .......you are doomed, doomed I say !
Patrick and Don : It's alright Simon, we're not looking !
