Monkey has to scrub the whole kitchen clean after helping me make mince pies.
I have made him do this as he deliberately sneezed a cloud of icing sugar into the air that has settled in a dusty, sticky coating on every surface.
He has made little progress when two Ugly Celebrity Barnsley fans appear.
Dickie Bird : Hehe. We have been invited to the BBC's Celebrity Fan of the Year Ball and you haven't !
Ian MugMillan : When we walk out this door,
You'll still be scrubbin' all this floor,
Whereas I am a proper celebriteeee,
Because I have been on the TeeVEEEEE !
Monkey sighs and gets on with his scrubbing but then he has an idea.
Inside the cupboard he finds.......
..........the magic Davey lamp so he gives it a little rub.
WHOOOOOOOOOSSSSHH !!
Julian : Hello ! I am your fairy godmother and I grant you three wishes.
Monkey (chortling at Julian's fairy dress ) : OK, No.1, I wish Iain Hume to be back playing for Barnsley F.C. asap.
Julian : OK
Monkey : No.2, Barnsley F.C. to finish at least 14th in the Championship and No.3 erm, erm.....
Julian : How about World Peace or an end to poverty or....
Monkey : No, I think I would like to go to the BBC's Celebrity Fan of the Year Ball please.
Julian : But you are only wearing fake replica kit. You will need a gown and I can only let you stay until midnight.
Remember, when the clock strikes twelve you must leave !
Monkey : Why do I have to wear a dress ?
Julian : It's a pantomime - all the dudes dress up as babes and all the babes dress up as dudes.
Monkey : Why ?
Before Julian can answer Monkey sets off following a trail of gingerbread crumbs left by Ian MugMillan.
On the way he meets that funny little man again and stops for a laugh.
Brian Laws : Pig for sale, PIG FOR SALE ! Who will buy my little piggy ? I'm not asking for 5 magic beans, not even 4, I will accept just one magic bean for my lovely little piggy wiggy and the rest of my club. Half a bean ?
Monkey : No thanks !!
Next, Monkey sees three wise men and stops to listen.
Patrick : The audience for this pantomime is a bit small.
Don : Well I said no-one could buy tickets unless they could produce three away pantomime stubs.
Simon : Anyway, we must follow that bright light over yonder for I have brought a present for the special child.
Monkey follows the bright light.
R.Tiverton : Look Slebbitty Daddy. I got this light and moved it about a bit and all these people gived me presents !
Wooooo ! Look, three shepherds gived me a talking sheep !
Sheep : BAAAAAAAAArnsley ! BAAAAAAAAArnsley !
Monkey has to abandon his car and climb the stairs. He is going to be very late for the ball.
A bit like Odejayi and headers.
He sets off to sprint to the BBC but fails to notice that Ugo Hedgehog has stepped into his path.
Monkey : Oouuuuuuuuuuuuch !!!! My foot !
Ugo : What do you mean YOUR foot ! You've just trodden on one of my other achilles tendons. I am crippled now !!
The hedgehog is clearly hurt. Monkey didn't INTEND to hurt him but he has clearly acted VERY BADLY and THOUGHTLESSLY in regard to other peoples' well being. Monkey rings the Brambly Lane Hedgehog Rescue Centre and waits for them to come and collect Ugo. Monkey says SORRY profusely even though he knows it will incriminate him further.
Following his eventful journey Monkey arrives at the BBC Celebrity Fan of the Year Ball which is being hosted by the ever crispy Gary Lineker.
Anyone who is anyone is there. Jeremy Paxman is representing Leeds United. Jeremy Clarkson ( Doncaster Rovers ) has already had too much pop and has done his party trick of turning into a grumpy old bicycle.
Lord of the Pigs, Roy Fattersley has turned up and is melting a little.
Even Sean Bean has been restored to life from the compost bin. They all stop to look at the beautiful 'lady' who has just arrived in a bit of a fluster.
Monkey spots his old friend Delia and goes over for a chat.
Monkey : Hi Delia, it's me, Monkey ! That's a great reindeer costume you're wearing !
Delia : Hi Monkey. I would recognise you anywhere. I'm not wearing a costume ! Has Parky come ?
Monkey : No, silly you ! We're not playing at Wembley today !!
Gary Lineker ( thinks) : Cor, she's a looker, what a lovely pink dress, I'd like to PEEL that off.
She could BARBECUE my BEEF any day !
Monkey tells Delia what happened on the way to the ball.
Delia : Well it sounds to me like you have tried to put things right Monkey. And anyway you have told me about how Ugo cut you up that time in his 4x4 and how he parks like a girl so it's his fault for travelling a bit carelessly himself. And he shouldn't have walked in front of you. You didn’t do it on purpose did you ?
Monkey : Don’t make ridiculous excuses for me sweetie. I have done a BAD thing and I am prepared to accept FULL RESPONSIBILTY for my actions.
Gary Lineker : Ladies and Gentlemen, before we all get too FRAZZLEd and without any QUAVERING I would like to announce the WOTSIT without being CHEESEY ............
Clarkson : Gerron with it !
Gary Lineker : Let's SKIPS to the moment you've all been waiting for............the Winner of this year's BBC Celebrity Fan of the Year 2008 is the lady in the pink dress who supports.....erm.........well just come up here and let's have you READY SALTED !
Monkey is presented with the award of a pair of golden boots and gets a big kiss from Gary and generous applause from Delia.
Ian MugMillan : Who is she that is not fair !
She should not have the prize,
I've been on telly thirteen times
And I should get them boots..........no hang on that’s not right !
A large puddle of tears forms around Dickie Bird.
THEN, a referee turns up from the FA. The Brambly Lane hedgehog sanctuary has rung them and complained about Monkey stamping on Ugo Hedgehog.
Referee : The FA cannot allow this lady to be given a prize. She has done something WRONG and must be seen to be PUNISHED. After all, children are watching. We must have RESPECT in the game. Even if there was no INTENT it was still a CARELESS way to behave.
At this point it should be clear that this is JUST A STORY FOLKS !! Not real life or anything at all like it.
And the clock begins to strike twelve............
..........Monkey remembers what Julian said and shoots off home leaving his prize boots behind him.
Julian has carefully swept up most of the icing sugar and Monkey helps him put it back in the bag for me.
Monkey : Oh Julian, I'm glad that's over ! What a night ......... what a PANTOMIME !
But before he can tell his friend what happened the Ugly Celebrity Barnsley fans return too.
Ian MugMillan : There was a lass in a pretty dress,
And she fluttered her eyes at Gary,
She won the golden boots,
And now they are going to marry !
Julian : He's behind you ! HE'S BEHIND YOU !!
Monkey : Oh no he isn’t !
Julian : Oh yes he is !
Monkey : OH NO HE ISN’T !!
Julian : He bl**dy well is, just turn round and look will you.
Gary Lineker : I have come to fit the golden boots on the one true Celebrity Fan.
He tries Ian MugMillan who doesn’t even have any feet.
He tries Dickie Bird but again fails.
Dickie Bird : Try that stuffed Monkey ! Haha, they’ll not fit him, he’?s not a proper celebrity.
But the boots fit perfectly. Gary Lineker is surprised but gives Monkey another big kiss and they all live happily ever after.
Apart from the impending threat of legal action hanging over Monkey’s head.
THE END
( NO hedgehogs were actually hurt during the filming of this story. )
