What really goes on at Oakwell ?
Monkey gets Darren moving
Barnsley F.C have called Monkey in to see if he can help them to improve Darren Moore's mobility.
Fozzie : It's no good, we've tried everything. He won't even budge for a chocolate teacake !
Heinzi : Zis vud never happen in my country ! He vud be in a museum already !!
Monkey : One last shove Kozzy !! Heave ho !!
Kozzy : Aaaaaaaaaaargh ! It's no good, even the itching powder didn't work.
Heinzi : Vot are you trying now ! I do not sink zat whispering vill help !
Fozzie : I am trying to hypnotise him. Remember you are Jamaican, remember you...........
Then Monkey has an idea and rushes off to fetch some stuff.
Fozzie : Gosh Monkey, what's all that for ?
Monkey sets to work and in no time at all Darren is fully mobile.
Monkey : All you have to do is take it in turns to pull when the opposition come near the net ! Totally impenetrable !!
Fozzie : What if someone notices ?
Heinzi : You are all mad and crazee in zis country.
Some Arabs visit Patrick
Patrick was having kippers for breakfast when the doorbell rang.
Rich Arab Lady 1 : Hello, we are rich arab ladies and we are looking for a football club to buy for our husband.
Patrick : Oh I see. Does he have any experience of running a football club ?
Rich Arab Lady 2 : He has 5 billion pounds.
Patrick : But does he understand football ?
Rich Arab Lady 3 : He is quite good on Championship Manager
Patrick : Well thank you but we are a local club for local people.
Don whispers : But Patrick we might be able to afford some new light bulbs...
Rich Arab Lady 4 : Are there any other clubs near here you would recommend ?
Patrick : Well there's one just down the M1 in Deedartown
Rich Arab Lady 1 : Oh no, that would never do. We are not allowed to have anything to do with pork.
Barnsley F.C. prepare to take on Southampton
Due to his special celebrity status, Monkey is the only Barnsley fan allowed to witness the team training.
Monkey : You're right Fozzie, he's definitely moved 4 millimetres.... now pull it back a little further..come on Darren !
Desperate for attention Heinzi has developed a splendid new shot stopping technique but he is still being taunted by Man of Steel.
Brian Howard is
a) fulfilling his role as captain
b) looking for some pies
c) counting the days till January
Then, just as the lads get down to serious business, Canadian international sharp shooter Ian Hume finishes being jet-lagged.
The problem is though that he is has come back all Canadian...
Hume : Hi guys, anyone want to look at my photos of Moose ?
At this, everyone else falls asleep.
Heinzi still cannot work out what went wrong at Ipswich. He is still baffled by the way his hands were not working properly that night.
Heinzi : Vot vos der matter wis you ! You are normally such gut hands !!
Meanwhile, in the background, the evil Luke Steele is putting something away in his locker.
The journey to Crystal Palace
Before they set off for the match Patrick, Don and Simon have called round to see Monkey.
Patrick : Do you have any idea who is putting all these rumours on the internet about players falling out Monkey ?
Monkey : Erm, not really......
Meanwhile, Heinzi has discovered that Luke Steel smeared vaseline on his gloves before the Ipswich game.
Luke : OK I'm sorry, now let go of my neck !!
Patrick has decided that it is not private enough to travel in his helicopter today so Don has planned some alternative transport.
The team gather together in a public display of unity to wave the guys off.
Fozzie : Bon voyage !
Kozzie climbs up and presses the yellow button and off they go !!
But no sooner have they got out onto the A628 when Don's plans are thwarted once more.
Patrick : Hmmm, I don't the cable will stretch down the M1.
