Monkey's Peruvian Quest
Monkey sets off with eighties Oakwell legend Julian Broddle on a quest to Peru.
They are off to hunt for Miguel Ángel Mostto Fernández-Prada and the missing £400,000 transfer fee.
How will they fare ? Read on.
On arriving in Lima, Monkey hires a bicycle and the pair make good progress across the Peruvian grasslands. "Mostto, Mostto dónde estás? shouts Monkey showing off his Spanish ( off Google )
The going gets tough and Julian needs help up a steep incline.
Monkey pedals furiously and asks "Can you see him Julian ?". "No, no I cannot, " Julian replies.
Together they freewheel down the mountain.
"He must be somewhere here in Peru" says Julian worrying that his perm was unravelling in the wind.
Deep in the Peruvian jungle a twig snaps. "What was that ?" asks a startled Monkey ,"perhaps it's him"
"Golly gosh Monkey look over there, what a really really ugly tiger ! What is it doing in Peru, I didn't know there were tigers in Peru," says Julian.
"That is just Dean Windass Julian. He must be here on a weekend break" answers Monkey.
Onwards through the thickening undergrowth the two intrepid explorers went.
" We've searched every square yard of this place and not a single sign of him. I think we'd better go home Monkey" pleaded Julian. Reluctantly Monkey agreed.
"Couldn't find him. Sorry," Monkey shrugs as he returns home.
Never mind why don't you go into deedartown and get yourself some pop as a treat.
So off Monkey went and well, he couldn't believe what he saw.
Guess who was there playing his panpipes right in front of WH Smiths !
All that remained of the £400,000 was £3.45 and a button in a felt hat on the pavement. Oh dear.
The Outakes
Woooaa ! Hang on Julian !
BAM !!!
For proof that fact can be as strange as fiction, google Julian Broddle and read his wikipedia entry.
Part 2
Monkey and the Peruvians
Monkey and Julian Broddle ( 80s Barnsley legend, now a policeman in Stockport ) are watching Germany vs Turkey. It is half time.
"Monkey, I fancy some Pringles," says Julian.
"Good idea Jules. I will go and fetch some.
Monkey sets off to the pantry.
"Monkey, that is the bike we hired in Peru !" Julian said in a shocked tone, " You were supposed to return it to the lady at the airport before we flew home."
"She had lots of other bikes. I didn't think she'd miss one !" Monkey explained.
"Monkey, you really must stop taking things just because you think nobody is using them...."
Just as Monkey reaches the door it creaks open and a little boat sails through.
"Hola, somos mamá y papá Mostto. Estamos buscando nuestro pequeño muchacho Miguel Ángel Mostto Fernández-Prada," says the little man.
"You are mama and papa Mostto and you have come to find your little boy ?" translates Monkey
( from now on the visitors will speak English )
Mama and Papa Mostto follow Monkey over to meet Julian, "Look who's turned up Jules !"
"Hello, I'm afraid we did see your son about a month ago playing his panpipes in town but we don't know where he is now," Julian tells them.
"Would you like some Pringles ?" Monkey asks as he is feeling peckish after all the cycling.
"He is a bad little boy is our Miguel Ángel Mostto Fernández-Prada," sighs mama Mostto. " He is always playing his panpipes when he should be practising his football. I tell him a thousand times. You go to Barnsley and make your fortune my boy. You score many goals and be a hero. But he no listen to me and papa. Just panpipes this and panpipes that...." Mama goes on and on.
Papa Mostto and Julian and the goats are relieved when Monkey returns.
"Sorry, no Pringles. Will McCoys do ? "
Under his breath Julian mumbles to Monkey " how on earth are we going to get rid of them ? I can't put up with her yapping all through the second half. Are you going to tell her about Ian Hume ?"
Monkey and the Euro 2008 Final
Monkey and Julian are settling down to watch the final.
Mama Mostto : Look Papa Mostto "The Royal" is on tv here. Oh how nice it would be to watch this charming 60s drama in Yorkshire England where it is set. Oh Papa I have always wanted to do this.
Monkey : But....but....but..
Julian : Mama and Papa Mostto are our guests Monkey ! Remember your manners, if that is what they want to watch we will have to record the final.
Monkey : But I'm not sure how to do that Julian.
Julian : I think it's that box there that does it.
Monkey : Yes, and you need one of these round things.
Monkey : Give me a leg up Julian !
Julian : Nearly there Monkey !
Monkey : Right press that one, that one and that one till the little red light comes on.
Julian : Will do
Monkey : Right let's go and get a credit card and book two one way tickets to Peru on the internet. I've had more than enough of Mama and Papa and their wretched boy.
Afterwards .........
Monkey : Oh dear Julian !! Do you think anyone will mind ?
Monkey's Humberside Quest
Rumours spread throught the messageboards that Dean Windass was on his way to Oakwell. There was only one way to make sure this happened........
Monkey and Julian set off at the crack of dawn this. Their quest was to travel to deepest Humberside and return with the errant Dean Windass..........
Julian : Are you sure this is the Humber Bridge Monkey ?
Monkey : Well we've come a long way from home so I think it must be.
Deano, DEANO ! Where are you ?
Julian : We have looked everywhere Monkey. I don't think we are going to find him.
Monkey : Oh well, I told you we should have brought some pop to lure him out...
The two intrepid explorers begin the long journey home.........
.......... but when they get there who do they find ...........
Maureen : Hi guys, look who's here. Uncle Deano has brought R.Tiverton a cute little fluffy tiger.
Monkey : Huh !
