Monkey and Deedars
Monkey : What are the deedars doing ?
Me: Well a lot of them don't have running water in their homes so once a year there's a special day when they all go to the Peace Gardens for a wash.
Monkey : What happens if it's raining and cold on Wash Day ?
Me : They wait till the next year.
Monkey : Mucky b*ggers !
Look - they've even got their own restaurant !
Do you think they have knives and forks ?
Monkey visits the Brambley Lane Open Day
Monkey is still moping because he didn't get to go to the Barnsley Football Club Open day last Sunday ( even if he did get to snog Maureen instead ). As No.1 Celebrity Fan he felt it was his duty to attend.
Me : Why don't we go out on hour bikes. It's a lovely afternoon. I'll even let you navigate. ( Monkey was employed briefly at the satnav factory till he almost learnt to program the routes properly then he got sacked ).
Three hours later we are completely lost and I am desperate for the toilet.
Monkey : What's that place over there ?
Me : That is Brambley Lane. It is where Barnsley won the FA Cup in 1912. The deedars look after it for us.
Monkey : It looks like they knew they were having a celebrity visitor this afternoon. They have put on a fair for me.
They might have a toilet. Let's go in. Do they have any celebrities ?
Me : I'm not sure if they have either Monkey. Let's see........
Monkey : This is comfy.
Monkey : You said there might be celebrities but there are just men writing on things.
Me : Look ! I don't care WHO they are I just need the toilet !
Monkey needs a rest so he sits on a bit of grass.
Steward : I've seen everything now ! You are not allowed on the grass.
Me : But he's only little.
Steward : It is new grass. No-one is allowed on it. Not even me.
The steward is on the grass.
Just then the team come out onto the pitch for a team photo. It appears that due to the rising cost of food in the credit crunch there will only be five players ( 4 potatoes and an onion ) this season.
Monkey watches them train.
Monkey : What are they doing ?
Me : I think they are learning to chip the ball !
Another steward appears and tells us that we are not allowed to take photos unless we stand in a queue for 2 hours.
We leave. Monkey starts shouting "Bugger off deedars !" at the top of his voice. I have never pedalled so fast in my life.
Trick or Treat ?
It is Halloween and the doorbell has rung a little earlier than we were expecting.........
Visitor : Trick or Treat ?
Monkey : Hello there, that's a great Noddy costume !
Visitor : It is not a costume. I, am Brian Laws.
Monkey : Oh, well would you like this lolly ?
Brian Laws : No thank you, it is not chupa chups. I only eat chupa chups.
Monkey : Oh I see.
Brian Laws : Well actually, I'd rather have 30 million pounds please.
Monkey : Haha, I get it, I've just worked out who you are ! You've come a long way from Deedar town, you must be desperate.
R.Tiverton : You can have my hat, poor man.
Monkey : That's very kind of you R.Tivvy.
Brian Laws : Thank you, I suppose I might get a few pence for it on eBay.
R.Tiverton : Slebbitty Daddy, that man's a bit strange isn't he ?
Monkey : Yes, let's just walk away slowly.
