The Season begins ...... Championship 2008 - 09
QPR 2 BARNSLEY 1
It has been a miserable afternoon. Monkey asks Radio Deedar if it is going
to talk properly about us this season.
He is not prepared for the response and is gobbled up.
Radio Deedar laughs mercilessly.
Monkey is gone. Hooray some of you shout !
Monkey has been eaten. Praise or Grumble for Radio Deedar ?
Barnsley 1 Coventry 2
The day starts badly. Monkey is refusing to talk to me. I cannot understand why after all the build up of excitement that has been going on all summer.
By the time we arrive at the lucky polo shop he has really got a monk on. I have never seen him look so miserable.
He is moderately interested in the splendid firework display but it does nothing to cheer his mood. Perhaps it is just pre-match nerves. Or maybe he knows we usually let Coventry score 4. Or perhaps it is because I will not let him meet my Coventry cousins who are a little too fond of pop.
Kick off ... Hooray !!!!
Monkey wails : Maureen's pregnant !
I ignore him, now is not the time to be worrying about such problems.
Monkey wails even louder : MAUREEN'S PREGNANT !!!!!!!!!
Me ( hoping to shut him up ) : Well you'll just have to marry her.
Barnsley are playing well. They are nifty in front of goal but chance after chance goes begging.
Monkey : Tell you what, if Barnsley lose I will marry Maureen.
Me : That is no way to manage your baby's future !
Coventry score. Simon Davey turns round and mouths the word " Shocking ! "
Is he talking about Barnsley's defence or Monkey's gamble ?
Barnsley equalise just before half-time.
We have a chat to 2 gentlemen who may have come down from the West stand upper tier to stalk us ( you can tell this as the photo has come out in sepia ). They tell us that only Leon is any good and all about the old days, Robledos etc and Jimmy Baxter was their favourite player. Monkey is about to ask them about 1912 when I pull him away.
Coventry score again. Hume is sent off. Barnsley can't quite get it together anymore.
Monkey cannot bear to watch.
The final whistle goes and Monkey's fate is sealed. I have recorded his promise on my phone. There can be no backing out !
Some really impressive knitting/embroidery seen on the way out.
Supplies of beetroot are replenished . The afternoon has not been wasted.
Barnsley 2 Derby County 0
We meet two Derby fans in the car park who ask where the ground is.
Monkey : Go up to the town hall, follow the signs to Dodworth and it's on your right.
Rams : Thank you
Me : That wasn't very nice Monkey.
Monkey gets a wedding present from Red Eagle. What can it be ?
The light bulb in the lucky toilet has vanished again !
Kick off !
Monkey : Simon, SIMON, I've got them !!!
Me : What on earth are you doing ! Be quiet, you are embarrassing me.
Monkey : I saw on the message boards that he needed some.
I am completely flummoxed. 5 minutes later I work it out.
Me : TACTICS Monkey ! Not tictacs, I know people can't spell on message boards but .......
Monkey : Can I borrow your phone please ?
Me : Why ?
Monkey : I want to dial 999 and get the ambulance man to move his head so I can see Leon's freekick.
Me : You will get arrested and locked up and you'll miss your wedding tomorrow.
Monkey : Ooooo will I ? Quick hand it over
Some of you may have missed this at half time.
I hope you all missed Monkey showing his bum to the Derby fans in another attempt to get arrested.
This time we remember to put Barnsley's goals in our match report.
2 - 0 and Monkey waves goodbye to the Derby fans.
The final whistle blows and I notice that Monkey has vanished.
Two long hours later I find him......
Me : What are you doing here ?
Monkey : I fancied a trip to Great Houghton. I have never been there, I've heard it's nice. I wanted to go and look at the traffic calming measures. It will take me several days.
Me : That is lame.
Monkey : Excuse me ! Can you give me a lift to Derby please. Is it a long way.
My grip tightens.
We get back to the car. I hear a lot of baaing.
Rams : We never found the ground, did we win ?
Barnsley 0 Cardiff 1
Me : That's your final decision then, you are going to the match. Maureen is having the baby on her own.
Monkey : She'll manage, I called Dr De Zeuuw.
It is raining, Cardiff have scored. Monkey comes off the fence and snuggles down in my coat. I forgot my waterproof trousers and instead decided to wear the pair that go rock hard when wet. I cross my legs and see how long I can last down here. I would like to be able to see SD's and PC's faces. Why is Phil Brown here ?
There is a lot of wriggling inside my coat. I look down. Monkey has begun to protest.
Half-time comes. We decide we are not going to watch this rubbish and get wet so we venture in to the West Stand Upper Tier. We find space next to some young people who have gone there to snog. They look at me and think what a sad wet old person.
Me : Would you like to use the phone to ring Maureen ?
Monkey : No, I don't think she'd be interested in the score.
Me : I see.
We settle down for a second half where the team come out sizzling, ready to fight back with passion and determination.
Instead, Monkey carries on his protest.
Monkey : Are Cardiff our bogey team ?
Me : No, Monkey. Barnsley are OUR bogey team.
We traipse back to the car.
Monkey : Put your foot down, I want to see if it's been born !
When we get in it appears Maureen has also taken to writing placards.
Everything has gone well and Monkey manages a big smile.
SEE, it wasn't such a bad night after all was it ???????
Barnsley 0 Norwich 0
Our afternoon begins in the club shop
Monkey : I want to buy a nice present for R.Tivvy.
Me : I think those pencil cases are a bit large Monkey.
We meet some strange characters at the Mount then Monkey
spots it is Ugly and a fight breaks out.
Monkey : You've been messing about with my Maureen and now I'm left bringing up your baby.
Ugly : No, Monkey ! You've got it all wrong, I am not that way inclined ! My heart belongs to another who is close to you but my love is unrequited.
Monkey says his arm hurts a lot so we set off to the ground.
Me : Yes, it is a good job we sit next to 6 paramedics and that they have bent NHS regulations to help you when they are not vets.
Monkey : Who is this in our seat ?
Delia : Hi Monkey, remember me ? I have brought a present for R.Tiverton
Monkey : Thank you, another novelty bird, how nice.
Delia : It is a canary.
Monkey whispers to me : Don't let her get drunk at half time and start going on about the 12th man.
Monkey : That's amazing Delia, how do you manage to be in two places at once ?
Barnsley start briskly. Leon is on fire. I take off my sunglasses,
the bright light that is Brian Howard has gone out.
Half time. Still 0-0 amazingly.
Then Delia gets giddy. To see this click on
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=tlSHAMBdIss
The pair make up and get pally again
Monkey : We are going to win this, we are playing the best yet this season. Isn't Heinzi amazing ?
Delia : Our goalie's just as good but he hasn't actually had anything to do has he ? Haha
At this point another scuffle breaks out and I stuff Delia in my pocket before the steward arrives.
Monkey's other arm is 'hurting' now.
Monkey : I really do think we are going to win this. Come on Barnsley !!
Me ( who has supported Barnsley a little longer ) : Sigh
The final whistle. 0 - 0.
The rest of Norwich's directors have left. We help Delia get home.
Delia : Excuse me dear, I'm Delia Smith, I need a lift back to Norwich ! I AM DELIA SMITH, I AM, I AM, I AM !!!
We get home.
Maureen : Hi Ugs, had a good trip to Southampton ?
Ugly : Yes Mo, I have brought presents for Your Tiverton. A toy monkey and this lovely Toby Tyke babygro from the club shop.
Monkey : I didn't see any of those. Where did you find that ? I have bought R.Tivvy this lovely badge. It isn't very sharp. Ouch !
Matchday with Monkey : Doncaster Home
It is Monkey's first derby match.
Monkey : No it isn't, I have seen us play Derby, we won !
Me : Sigh, it is like going to the match with a slow 3 year old at times.
Trouble begins at the Mount when Monkey mishears the lady who says she is collecting MONEY FOR CHARITY. Monkey appears to be taking rather than giving.
He narrowly escapes arrest by explaining that he thought she said she was collecting for a MONKEY CHARITY so he decided to help himself.
At the ground Lucky Heather ( Doncaster Rover's fortune telling mum ) has popped over with a present for R.Tiverton.
Lucky Heather : It is a good luck charm.
Monkey : Thank you, that will come in useful.
Lucky Heather : Yes, well you can have it after the match.
A strange man has come to sit next to us. He and Monkey start to collaborate on the DAVEY OUT campaign.
Nothing much happens for a while then Doncaster get a penalty and score it. Monkey casts a shadow of gloom around him.
Someone has started shouting to Patrick and Simon about letters of resignation. The security man approaches at speed.
Me : Don't tell him your name Monkey !
Security man : I know who he is ! He is Celebrity Monkey.
Monkey loves being recognised but begins to realise that being a celebrity has its downsides. He agrees to behave. The same cannot be said for the strange man sitting beside us.
Half-time
Monkey : Haha, who did that !
I wonder.
The match restarts and as the strange man predicted a player, Darren Moore is sent off. Then everything goes weird after he has lumbered up the tunnel.
First Fozzie scores, then Jamal gets one.
After Macken gets the third Monkey gets a kiss from the strange man then Hume scores a blinder.
Monkey : Lazarus is coming on, he's nobbut a lad.
I wonder if Davey'd give R.Tiverton a game ?
Lucky Heather turns up again. Monkey gives her a hug of commiseration
Monkey : That lucky charm thing Heather, I think you'd best keep it.
Me : No more Pikey jokes !
Monkey : I was just going to remark that it reminds me who we play next at home.
Matchday with Monkey : Pigs home
Monkey has proudly dressed R.Tiverton in his new Barnsley kit, all ready for his son's first football match.
Maureen : It will be cold tonight. He must wear this hat. My blind, arthritic, 96 year old grandma has knitted it for him.
Monkey : But.....but....but.....
Maureen : And no meeting strange people in pubs ! And do not lose Owlie or he'll scream ALL night. Who are they playing tonight ?
Monkey : Can we borrow this tank to go round the pitch at half time, what do you think ?
Monkey ( looking at me ) : I don't want any foul and abusive language tonight thank you.
Me : What !! Me ?
Monkey : I have heard what you shout at deedars in the car and I don't want R.Tivvy picking up words like those.
R.Tiverton : Smelly BUM deedars......Smelly BUM deedars......
Monkey ( looking at his son ) : And you can take that silly hat off !
R.Tiverton : Mummy said I had got to wear it all night.
The hat stays, we are all too frightened of Maureen.
R.Tiverton : Which ones is Barnsy ?
Monkey : The ones in red and white like our kits.
R.Tiverton : And which ones is Wensy ?
Barnsley score an early goal and in celebrating Tivvy drops Owlie. I spend the next ten minutes groping about in the dark looking for a small blue owl.
R.Tiverton : That man was naughty ! He kicked our fast man.
Monkey : Yes, and now he's been sent to bed early. Wave night night to him.
HALF TIME
R.Tiverton : Those army men aren't going to shoot the big teddy are they slebbitty daddy ?
Monkey : No R.Tivvy, I think the soldiers are more frightened of what he might do to them.
R.Tiverton : Poo, slebbity daddy, done poo !
Monkey : Where are the nappy changing facilities ?
Me : Monkey, this is the West Stand ! We do not have 'facilities' !
Monkey's Olympics training finally pays dividends as with an enormous effort he flings the stinky nappy into the Wednesday crowd. Unfortunately, the deedar whose pie it lands in is less observant and he carries on munching his half time snack till it is all gone.
Barnsley score a penalty and Monkey gets carried away with his celebrations.
Hang on tight R.Tiverton !
R.Tiverton : That was never a penalty refereeeeeeeeee you need glasses you stupid b...
Monkey : R.Tivvy !!! That is enough !
R.Tiverton : We winned slebbitty daddy !! WE WINNED !
I finally spot Owlie. A man treads on him on the way out. Owlie lets out a sad hoot.
R.Tiverton : Slebbity Daddy, I sport Barnsy now. They are the best team in the WORLD !
Monkey : Yes, they are son. Goodnight.
R.Tiverton : Owlie says Wensy sh*t, he sports Barnsy too Slebitty Daddy, kiss him goodnight !
Barnsley 0 Bristol City 0
Our afternoon begins with a lovely lunch in the White Bear. Monkey sits and listens patiently to my auntie's list of who has died in Hemsworth this week and who hasn't. Then he settles down to watch Barnsley beat Liverpool ( again ) on the big screens.
On the way to the ground he spots an effigy of Simon Davey.
Me : No it isn't him Monkey ! It's smiling. And don't stay there too long or you'll get burnt on Nov 5th
Me : We have a proper celebrity with us today Monkey.
Monkey peers up at the young man sitting next to us.
Monkey : That is not a celebrity, that is your cousin's lad !!
Me : Yes, and his mum's cousin is Jamie McCombe's dad and Jamie McCombe plays for Bristol City.
Monkey : Well I've never heard of him.
Me : And he's a former British Taekwondo champion.
Monkey : Huh ! Well anyone can fold a bit of paper.
Monkey : Why are we playing the second half first ?
R.Tiverton wakes up from the nap he was having in my bag.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty daddy, why are there 10 referees ? Where are Wensy ?
R.Tiverton : Slebitty daddy, that Jamie McCombe is a dirty s*d isn't he ? Look what he did to our little man.
HALF TIME
I am made to eat my words ( the ones about Monkey not being much of a 'celebrity' ) as Toby Tyke approaches and asks Monkey for his autograph.
Monkey : Here you are Toby, a signed photo for you.
Toby : Hello Monkey and R.Tiverton, I have brought the little lad a present.
R.Tiverton : Oooo thank you Big Teddy !
I am speechless.
The football starts again but no-one seems capable of breaking the deadlock. Bristol City have a ten man defence.
Monkey : I think Jamie McCombe is two people. One is sitting on the other's shoulders. He is too big.
Macken misses a golden opportunity.
Monkey ( falling sideways off the fence ) : Odejayi would've put that one away !
The final whistle blows and Monkey belatedly decides to 'predict' the score.
R.Tiverton is now tucked up in bed. Owlie lies abandoned and unloved.
Owlie has had a bad week. A very, very bad week.
Barnsley 1 Blades 2
Monkey has not been seen since Halloween.
Where can he be ? It is nearly time to set off to the match.
R.Tiverton : Slebbitty Daddy needs some help. He's stuck an he's too barrassed to ask you.
Me : Where is he ?
R.Tiverton : Come and see. It is funny.
Monkey : Look it is not funny. Stop rolling about on the floor. I took R.Tivvy trick or treating and I can't get out of my costume.
Me : Celebrity Pumpkin !! Haha
Monkey : You will stop laughing and help me OR I WILL TELL EVERYONE WHAT I HAVE FOUND IN YOUR DRAWER.
I decide I'd better help him as time is running out and I really do not want to be accompanied to a football match by a monkey dressed as a pumpkin. That would be silly.
Monkey is insisting that now he is a "film star", he must wear shades all the time.
Monkey : They've not brought as many as Wednesday.
2 minutes after kick off...
Monkey : Erm, I can't actually see through these. I'm going to take them
off but remember I am still a dude.
Me : I am watching the match I do not care !
5 minutes later we spot a certain Barnsley starlet busy receiving texts when he should be engrossed in the action.
Monkey : Heck ! I hope that's not from Fergie !!
It is end to end stuff but unfortunately the goal comes at the wrong end.
There is a bit of a tiff on the pitch and the crowds reaction wakes R.Tiverton from his afternoon nap.
R.Tivvy : Where's Ugo going slebitty daddy ?
Monkey : Well R.Tivvy, about this time of year some animals like to hibernate so he's going to curl up in a cosy cardboard box with some straw until May. I hope.
R.Tivvy : Slebitty daddy, the Blades aren't singing as loud as Wensy did are they ?
R.Tivvy : Look slebbitty daddy, an owl has appeared.
Monkey : Yes R.Tivvy. That is the Spy Owl. It has come to count the Blades fans and scan their faces so that all can be recorded in the Blades vs Owls Ledger.
R.Tivvy : What's the ledger for slebbitty daddy ?
Monkey : It is where they write down the name and details of every fan who attends games so that they can keep an exact tally of who has bigger attendances.
R.Tivvy : Why ?
There is a lot more argy bargy in front of us. A linesman claims to have seen a teeny weeny handball about three miles away in the dark.
Simon is sent to the naughty step.
Monkey : Oddddddddddddddddddd......e......jayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Once more R.Tivvy hangs on tight.
The final whistle blows and Monkey leaps up.
Monkey : Where is he !!! Bl***dy assistant referee, I'll .........
R.Tivvy : Slebitty daddy, come away. He's not worth it !
On the way back to the car we make a detour.
Me : All this silly deedar / dingles business...... doesn't this sight put things into perspective ?
Monkey : Well yes I suppose., but I'd still rather have won.......sigh
Barnsley 2 Watford 1
I am just about to set off to the match when there is a commotion upstairs.............
Maureen : You have been on those bl**dy messageboards all morning when you should have been looking after R.Tiverton and now look what he's done ! Your 98 year old blind arthritic nannan knitted that for you, you bad little monkey.
R.Tivvy : But Mummy...
Maureen ( looking at me ) : And you shouldn't leave scissors lying around. Right that's it.
And she scoops up R.Tivvy and runs off.
Maureen : None of you are going to the match !
Me : Hey that's my season ticket she's got, and the house keys !!
There is nothing for it but to make an undignified exit from the house. The new neighbours have a lot to get used to.
Monkey : Will you put that wretched camera down and catch me please !
Me : Hurry up, we'll have to go and queue for a replacement ticket !
Monkey poses with a message for Humey.
Me : That's good, all spelt properly.
Monkey : And I've drawn him a little moose.
Me ( jokingly ) : Yes, very nice. I'm not going to get home tonight and find a rectangular hole in those sheets I washed this morning am I ?
Monkey : Ha ha !
We spend much of the first half waiting for something to happen. I am reprimanded for yawning loudly four times.
Monkey : He's never missed one like that before !
HALF TIME
I find a lolly I'd put in my pocket for R.Tiverton.
Monkey : No point in it going to waste !
I imagine it will keep him quiet for a while but he sets about crunching it noisily.
Something happens at last but it is the wrong thing. Watford have scored.
Monkey ( very quietly ) : Erm, I didn't think you'd miss the corner of the sheet, it's always tucked out of sight.
The man behind says he is going to leave it is that bad. The man next to him starts to moan about Mossto.
Monkey : I have toothache, I think we should leave too....
Just then Mossto scores and the crowd comes to life.
Moments later, a miserable looking woolly face leers in front of me moaning.
Foster scores.
Me : Two goals and I missed both thanks to you !!
With four minutes of extra time to play Monkey cannot bare to watch anymore.
Once we have won he forgets all about his 'toothache' and we set off home.
Monkey : Maybe we should have bought R.Tivvy a present.
Me : No ! He has to learn that he can't cut things up no matter how much he hates them.
Monkey : Well , actually, ahem, ermmmmmmm, HE didn't..........do it...... erm....I did.
Barnsley 3 Burnley 2
Maureen has found out that the match is going to be televised. No-one can leave the house until they have been ironed and had their hair combed nicely. R.Tiverton hates combs so Monkey kindly claims he has not seen him all day. Maureen does not fall for it though.
We arrive at the ground.
Monkey : Excuse me ! EXCUSE ME, I'm a celebrity, film me.
Wisely the cameraman ignores him.
Monkey : That's nice. I could have done them another moose picture if only they'd asked.
They have used 15 sheets of A4 card. That's extravagant for Barnsley F.C.
Barnsley 1 Burnley 0
Hooray, rather against the run of play but who cares ?
And did anyone else notice an alien spacecraft make a rather wobbly landing in north east Barnsley at this time ?
Half Time arrives and Monkey waves R.Tiverton rather vigorously.
Monkey : Hi Susie ! Hi, are you looking ?
Me : Is that one of your imaginary BBS friends ?
Monkey : I have got more imaginary friends than you. I notice your Tykesmad ones haven't turned up to sit next to you.
Monkey : I'm freezing, absolutely freezing. I am almost a brass monkey.
You wouldn't happen to have any miniature woollen garments that would fit a small monkey would you ?
R.Tiverton is shivering too and his teeth are clattering too much for him to speak.
Me : I told you to bring a coat. Actually, you are in luck, I just happen to have an old action man balaclava with me.
Monkey grabs it but alas it is too small.
But it may just fit ..........
R.Tivvy : Can't see Slebitty Daddy !!!
10 minutes later Monkey and I manage to get it on him properly. I have missed all the half-time entertainment.
R.Tivvy : I don't want a silly bacalava !! Get it off.
Fortunately the football starts up again and he stops protesting as it is
Barnsley 2 Burnley 0
Monkey : You will always have to have your half time cuppa during the second half from now on. It is obviously lucky. It's not PG Tips is it ? I can tell.
Barnsley 3 Burnley 0
R.Tivvy : HOOOOORRRRAAAAY ! Oh dear, I've dropped Slebitty Daddy. Where is he ?
Me : I think he must be running round the front to get back to us, the stewards are watching him.
Barnsley 3 Burnley 1
Monkey : It's alright folks, Burnley haven't won here for 76 ye...........
Barnsley 3 Burnley 2
At this point, the pair of them climb down and start looking at the cables that are not normally there.
Monkey : Now R.Tivvy, if Burnley score again just pull on this till the plug comes out. When all the lights go out the match will be postponed. I will give you three lollies.
R.Tiverton : Not Chupachups ? Proper ones
I pick them up and put them where I can see them. Monkey has forgotten he needs to be on best behaviour to have any chance of coming to Nottingham on Saturday.
Monkey : Why are you shaking ? Are you as cold as me ?
Me : Nerves Monkey, nerves !
At last the final whistle.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, wake up. Help ! HELP !! He's gone all rigid.
After a quick trip to the bus station toilets Monkey is thawed out.
Monkey : Eeee, I wouldn't have stayed home and watched on Sky for all the tea in China. Well I couldn't have BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO MEAN TO GET SKY !!!
Nottingham Forest 1 Barnsley 0
Today I will be accompanied only by R.Tiverton. It is his first away match. He has been sitting by the front door for two whole days in his lovely new kit waiting to set off.
R.Tivvy : Bye Slebitty Daddy. We will do some photos of it for you.
Just then, the doorbell rings. It is the man bringing a new toaster to replace the one that SOMEONE thought he would try to toast a banana in just to see what happened.
I bring the toaster in and scoop up R.Tivvy and my bag. Off we go !!
R.Tiverton : It's quiet without Slebitty Daddy.
Me : Yes and peaceful.
I have a stinking cold and would like to relax on the bus.
R.Tiverton : Who's your favit player ? Mine is Jamal Campbell-Soup. I can't work out what position he plays though.
Me : You aren't the only one R.Tivvy.
R.Tiverton : I have made a song about him ( and he starts singing to the tune of Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen )
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
Running down the wing,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
He will make us sing !
You give him the ball,
And he scores a goallllllllll,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup,
Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.
He keeps it up till at last we arrive in Nottingham.
R.Tiverton : Wooooo, something just moved in your bag.
Me : You are imagining things R.Tivvy. I think I will leave the bag on the bus during the match.
The bag moves in a slightly more frantic way. As if something is trying to open the zip from inside...........
R.Tiverton : Is that it ? Where are the trees ? I thought in was Nottin-gum Forest. Where is Robin Hood ?
It is about 2.55 pm and I have no time to answer him.
2.59pm We are just about there.
R.Tiverton : Hello, My daddy is a slebitty and....
We are getting looks from the steward so I whisk R.Tivvy through the turnstiles and rush to find our seat.
Row X. Thank you very much ticket office lady. I am knackered and poorly and just want to sit down but everyone else is standing up.
R.Tivvy cannot see a thing.
The thing in my bag shouts : Oi, Oi, you bl**dy well know I'm in your bag... I'M A CELEBRITY , GET ME OUT OF HERE !!
A fight breaks out near us. I just want to watch some football so I edge towards the end of the row.
A man comes back with his pie and we move off to look for another seat.
Steward : You have to sit in the seat you are allocated.
I am just about to get all middle-class and stroppy when it is agreed I can perch on the end of a row of gentlemen with weak bladders.
I feel the need to explain to the men next to me why I have a small monkey with me. The only way I can think of doing this is by taking another slightly larger monkey out of my bag. They are very nice men and I don't even notice that the two of them look the same because they are twins. Someone must know them, please pass on Monkey's website address to them.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, you've come ! How did you get here ?
R.Tiverton : What did you do in the stike Slebitty Daddy ? Were you NCB or NUM ? Who is 'king Thatcher.
I had a scab on my knee once.....
Forest score
I am blamed for being on drugs and not the usual lucky polos. It is all my fault.
HALF TIME
Monkey : I am waving to Poet.
Me : Who ? Another one of your imaginary friends ! How do you know it is not celebrity fan poet ?
A man behind us pokes Monkey in the tummy and asks who he is.
Monkey is beginning to realise he is not the 'celebrity' he thought he was.
Play starts again and Barnsley are lively but not really getting anywhere.
R.Tiverton : Slebitty Daddy, I made a song, listen Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup, Running down the wing, Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.............................
And on he goes thirteen times.
R.Tiverton : Look up there, they are burning scab coal, SCAB SCAB SCAB
Monkey tires of sitting on my head and off he goes to sit elsewhere....
R.Tiverton : We might get trodded on, come back up here.
R.Tiverton :Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup, Running down the wing, Campbell-Soup, Campbell-Soup.................
The final whistle blows and R.Tiverton is crying inconsolably. Monkey joins in. For a moment I consider passing on my old dad's words of wisdom- "If you are going to support Barnsley you had better get used to disappointment !". I decide it didn't help me and it wouldn't help them.
So we run back to the bus for the long journey home. There are some normal people on the bus but I know I am not alone as the words "Odejayi" and "Why does Davey ...." and " 4-5-1 " keep drifting down to the front.
Once the normal people get off I can resist the temptation of the steamed up windows no longer. The bus lurches round the corner as I draw Toby Tyke ....but the men recognise him
Man at back : EEEeee, it's like having Rolf Harris on board.
Monkey : Will you sit down and behave, you are embarrassing me.
Men at back : One Winnie Campbell, there's only one Winnie Campbell.
I wave my 26 year old scarf at them.
Men at back : One Carl Airey, there's only one Carl Airey....
Monkey sighing : It'll be the Robledos next, will you stop egging them on.
Then he moves my hat and sits down where they can see him. They don't recognise him.
I think that upset Monkey nearly as much as the result.
Barnsley 0 Reading 1
R.Tiverton has caught my cold so Maureen has wrapped him up and put him to bed.
Maureen : I'm sorry R.Tivvy but it's too cold for you to go out today.
R.Tiverton : Sniff, sniff, but Mummy pleeeeeeeease can I go...
Maureen has spoken and her word is law. Sadly, Monkey and I have to leave him.
We are just about to leave when the pitter patter of tiny feet comes bouncing down the stairs with a lolly in tow.
R.Tiverton : Wait, WAIT, am coming ! Am notta wimp like some folk. Quick, get in the car while mummy's on the phone to Nana. Hurry up will you !
R.Tivvy snuggles down in my coat to keep warm.
R.Tiverton : Sniff
Kick off is delayed by 15 minutes
Monkey : Broken down coach my foot ! They stopped at Meadowhall for the sale at Woollies I reckon. Pick n' mix at 50% off, not to be missed.
A special wave for Humey.
Monkey : Do you know, in all the time you have been taking these photos you haven't managed to snap a single goal ! How can we do match reports with no goals ?
Me : I'm not really even meant to be taking photos Monkey. Could you do better ?
Instantly I regret saying this.
R.Tiverton : Sniff
There is some argybargy and a Reading player gets a red card.
R.Tiverton : He shouldn't have hit that lady should he Slebbitty Daddy ? It is wrong to hit ladies. Poor Denise, he nearly knocked her hairband off ! Sniff cough.
Half Time
Monkey : I am looking for Poet from BBS. He missed his wave last week and he asked for another one.
Me : You are getting really desperate for attention now aren't you ?
R.Tiverton : Cough
Monkey : Well that's your Christmas shopping done. £2 on a pair of bedsocks for your Mum and a nice £1 calendar from me.
Me : Yes, I'm sure she'll understand we have to save up for West Ham.
Reading score. Once more I have failed to get a photo.
Monkey : Right, I'm doing the photos from now on.
Monkey : Which button is it ?
R.Tiverton : Sniff
R.Tivvy : Achou, Achouuuuuuuuuuuu Reds, come on you Reds !
Monkey : Got it, I can reach it now !
Final whistle.
Monkey : Groannn, I don't care about photos, it's goals that matter !
We set off home. It is always colder when we lose. Strange that.
R.Tiverton : Right I've got to get back into bed without Mummy noticing. Good she's still on the phone to Nana.
Me : I hope your Nana's alright in this cold weather R.Tivvy.
R.Tiverton : Oh she will be, she's on holiday in Barbados. Sniff.
Me : WHAT !! On my phone bill !!!
